Blind River 2025 * * * Stars

SEE THIS LIGHT

Blind River has to do with stealth kidnappings, and Mayberry mayhem, and well, poky waterways too (hence the title). It fashions itself in the conch of stuff like Gone Baby Gone and Mystic River and 2014's Sand Castles, movies where young girls are abducted and families are completely shattered. In the case of "River", an unseeing woman goes on her own little crusade to find her daughter who went missing on Christmas Day. "You hold on too tight and I'm just afraid you're going to suffocate." Ugh. 

Blind River is directed by Carissa Stutzman, an unseasoned helmer who looks like a seasoned pro giving her film a somber air, an effectively ill-lit look, and a precarious tone. "River", well it was shot entirely in Mentone, Indiana, a town not far from where most of my family grew up. Yup, Blind River feels like Northern "Hoosier State" personified, a slice of Middle America, Americana if you will. You can smell the husky corn, breathe the shamba oxygen, take in that Midwestern hospitality, and taste those greasy pork tenderloin sandwiches. Believe that. 

"River" stars Annalise Basso, Steven Ogg, and Tracey Campbell and is distributed by Lifetime Television. Compared to most flicks on that long-running, basic cable channel Blind River has better acting, less camp, less soap opera operatic, and more attested production values (trust me on this one). The vehicle is a crisply edited, gravely told, whodunit or should I say, who done did it. There's even a twist at the end where we find out which tyke snatcher um, you know done did it. Add a musical score for the ages that evokes Hans Zimmer in his heyday and an Indiana locale that's rural everyman in every town and you have one of the most surprising offerings of early 2025. "Unlazy rivulet". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

ALIVE HE CRIED

A millionaire named Bryan Johnson, decides by all means necessary to do whatever it takes to extend his life beyond the normal expectancy. The documentary about Johnson's extremity is aptly titled, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever (naturally). 

Anyway I as a critic have always favored docus, whether they be about famous people or pseudo famous people or well, dead famous people (no pun intended). With "Don't Die", we have Johnson who's somewhere in the middle. I mean I didn't know who he was until yesterday but now I'm getting an education. Bryan Johnson's got nothing but money so he can afford to take 54 pills a day and get red-light therapy and get plasma exchanges and um, inject himself via some gene therapy. Basically he spends all his time trying to prolong his esse so it's like he doesn't uh, have a life (har har). Bri, I hope it was worth it bro. "100 years is not going to be enough". Oh boy.

Vitamin B12's and discretionary income aside, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever is a clean, well-made, almost sterile vehicle by producer/director/cinematographer Chris Smith. There's nothing flashy, no tricks, just a look that seems borrowed and/or adopted from Alex Garland's sci-fi thriller, Ex Machina (hint, hint). 

There's interviews (mostly from Bryan and his son), a few archives, but mainly techy stuff about how Johnson's going to defy the mysterious aging process and various whatnots. Bryan Johnson, well he comes off as a little pretentious and "Don't Die" seems a little long-winded for a running time of an hour and a half (could've been more effective as a segment on 60 Minutes which has probably already happened). Still, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever is a rather beguiling watch. It's like the antithesis to what the late Morgan Spurlock did when he hit up good old Mickey D's two decades ago. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Carry-On 2024 * * * Stars

"DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE"

2024's Carry-On has to do with airports, and metal detectors, and annoying commuters, and handheld luggage (hence the plain to see title). It fashions itself in the vein of stuff like Phone Booth and Panic Room and 2005's Red Eye, movies where if the protagonist doesn't do something for the antagonist, said antagonist is gonna make said protagonist's life a living nightmare. In the case of Carry-On, TSA agent Ethan Kopek (Taron Egerton) has to let a dangerous package pass through security or evil passenger Traveler (Jason Bateman) is gonna off Ethan's pregnant girlfriend. "Just relax okay". Uh, whatev dude, I'm doing the best I can. 

Carry-On, well it is directed by Jaume Collet Serra, a guy who never met a terminal and/or baggage claim he didn't like (or wanted to utilize). Serra manufactures a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thang, letting the chaos and tension spill mostly within the lobby as opposed to the friendly skies. As usual he turns the psychological screws and supplies the mild convolutions, occasionally throwing in a violent, three-dimensional, streamlined action sequence (in this occasion, said sequence is set to Wham's "Last Christmas"). About the only thing missing from Serra's flight plight is some NYC locales and one Liam Neeson. 

Normally funnyman and gift of gab monger Jason Bateman squeezing out a performance as a credible villain, some offhanded humor, Bateman and Egerton's Ethan going mano a mano in thuggish manner. Carry-on has these attributes but let it be known, it is not a Christmas movie (even though it takes place on Christmas Eve), just as Die Hard is not a Christmas movie (same swipe). Get over it people and embrace Red One as Yuletide fare instead! Just accept Carry-On as a thriller that just happens to intervene with those warm, day of festivity fuzzies. "Carry" conviction. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Complete Unknown 2024 * * * Stars

SELF PORTRAIT

From 1961 to 1965, Bob Dylan's life as a musical icon is chronicled in 2024's A Complete Unknown. "I met one man who was wounded in love". Indeed.

Anyhow most biopics about actual, famous people are recommendable because there's always a godlike performance to accompany (and sometimes overshadow) the whole kit and caboodle. In "Unknown", Timothee Chalamet completely immerses himself into character via Dylan, singing like him and talking like him and getting all his mannerisms just right. Come Oscar time circa 2025, Timmy boy might need to clear space for one of the shelves in his probably big-arse abode. He may just collect ye olde statuette come March.

Chalamet's transformation and dramatization validity aside, do I think A Complete Unknown is a masterpiece in filmmaking from usual, biographical monger James Mangold? Not completely (pun intended) but I admire Jim's rich sense of time and place, his method of generating early 60s, viewer escapism. I also dug where he put the camera, as Bob Dylan's four years of depiction feel like an effectively languid, slow burn. Production values, set design, and "cultural decade", flight(s) of fancy within "Unknown" are all top-notch. "He's not selling any alibis". No Bob's not, never.

So why am I hesitating in announcing A Complete Unknown as the best vehicle of the year. Well for starters it's edited choppily and a tad overlong, recycling Jay Cocks and Mangold's screenplay while not having much of a diegesis of its own to bounce off of. Added to that, Bob Dylan is not portrayed as the most likable dude in the world here. I mean sure Chalamet is brilliant but his persona as well as the overall conch of "Unknown" keep you at a distance, not letting you crash the veritable party. The film feels like a chronological, "peeking in" documentary and/or 141-minute folk concert when it could've delved a little deeper. Near-great "unknown". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Gladiator II 2024 * * * Stars

AT MY SIGNAL UNLEASH WELL, YOU KNOW

The son of the late Maximus is sold to slavery to become a trained combatant via the Colosseum. That's the continual nub of 2024's Gladiator II. 

Anyway, most sequels are inferior to the original. It's almost an enigma as to why. Aliens and Godfather Part II and Wrath of Khan may be the exceptions but there it is, a lesser product that makes less money and gets the usual ribbing by those nitpicky critics. "You will be my instrument". Uh, not so fast there big guy. 

So OK, Gladiator II just happens to be the follow-up to 2000's Gladiator (naturally). "II" may be shorter (by 7 minutes) but it's bigger, and bloodier, and well, more lurid. A fight to the death against some nasty baboons, a fight to the death against some pesky sharks, a fight to the death "Mandingo" style, Denzel Washington doing an imitation-like performance of a Roman emperor with a penchant for big-arse earrings. Yeah Gladiator II is like Gladiator on steroids but that doesn't make it the superior result. "Are you not entertained?" I mean yeah but it's not what you're thinking. 

Starring Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal, Connie Nielsen, and Washington (see last paragraph), "II" is better than most second runs because it stays faithful to the original while moving the story along as if it were the utmost form of a companion piece. Minus almost aping Gladiator's first hour in terms of plot threads and affray themes, "II" is worth at least one watch for those who consider "fear and wonder a powerful combination" (natch).  

I mean the look is the same (cloudy and blazing, sun-scorched hues), Ridley Scott's direction is still the mammoth of all canvases, and the editing is about as crisp as new $1 dollar bills. What's missing from "II" that the first Gladiator had is the stirring score of Hans Zimmer (the late Hans Zimmer), any standout speck of emotional and/or dramatic heft, and of course, the molten screen presence of one Russell Crowe (he died the first time around so what are you gonna do). Still, as a holiday-released pic with modernized, historical avail and a proclivity for brutal inhumanity, Gladiator II "fights tooth and nail".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top Ten Movie Picks of 2024

1. How to Rob a Bank * * * 1/2 Stars

-How to Rob a Bank is a documentary that's entertaining enough to make you feel like you're watching pure fiction (when your obviously not). 

2. Lover, Stalker, Killer * * * 1/2 Stars

-Lover, Stalker, Killer is all so diverting, perplexed, and fresh, like some drawn-out episode of Paranormal Witness, Dateline, and/or Forensic Files.

3. Apollo 13: Survival * * * 1/2 Stars

-Apollo 13: Survival is a docu that would rather heighten the cinematic days of yore as opposed to just reinventing the Space Race hoop. 

4. A Complete Unknown * * * Stars

-Timothee Chalamet immerses himself into character as Bob Dylan in this well-made biopic about the legendary folksinger. 

4. (tie) Sixty Minutes * * * Stars

-Few films have the urgency and/or bone-crushing voyeurism of Sixty Minutes, a non-stop rinse, repeat of loud fistfights then payoff, then loud fistfights then payoff.

5. Return of the King: The Rise and Fall of Elvis Presley * * * Stars

-A tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter.

6. The Wages of Fear * * * Stars

-The Wages of Fear is The Road Warrior meets 2015's Sicario. Slick and violent and dangerous.

7. Bitconned * * * Stars

-If flicks like Boiler Room, The Wolf of Wall Street, and The Social Network were made into docus, they'd probably equal the plot line of the cocksure Bitconned. 

7. (tie) Carry-On * * * Stars

-A film that fashions a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thing. Streamlined tension (pun intended). 

8. Reagan * * * Stars

-A rather hard-nosed drama about the 40th president that contains a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation.

9. The Menendez Brothers * * * Stars

-Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated. His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch.

10. A Quiet Place: Day One * * * Stars

-Helmer Sarnoski gives A Quiet Place: Day One that compact, efficacious treatment, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil. 

Honorable Mention: Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy, Under Paris, Arthur the King, The Fall Guy, Transformers One, Gladiator II

And the worst....

1. Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer * 1/2 Stars

-Instead of "killing" the audience with his so-called, iconic abilities as a funnyman, Jimmy Carr appears more like the poor man's Ricky Gervais, hosting an X-Rated version of the Golden Globes and bombing like the empty half pints at an Irish pub.

2. Unfrosted * 1/2 Stars

-Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include director Jerry Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind.

3. What Jennifer Did * 1/2 Stars

-What Jennifer Did is not so much a docu as it is a declared-in-advance malfeasance caper with a muted conclusion. "Did" more harm than good? Oh you betcha. 

4. Cat and Dog * 1/2 Stars

-Cat and Dog is a pseudo comedy I suppose and/or a harmless, slapstick action caper. This vehicle doesn't have much of a tone and it's one of those flicks where the people involved had much more fun making it than the viewer has watching it.

5. A Family Affair * 1/2 Stars

-A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three characters who'd probably be better off avoiding each other.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

Trespass 2011 * 1/2 Stars

FELL FROM GRACE

A husband, wife, and daughter are kidnapped and held for ransom in their swanky abode. Said kidnappers need a lot of moolah to pay off a debt. No this isn't the flick Trespass with Ice T from 30 years back. This is 2011's Trespass starring Nicolas Cage, Nicole Kidman, and a very rattled Ben Mendelsohn (what else is new).

So yeah, one character in Trespass says "open the safe" about a million times, like there's some screenwriter out there who couldn't think of anything else to dash off. Trespass, well it may be the title of my latest review but it could be easily renamed "Impasse", as in virtually no headway. 

Taking place in Louisiana, uninspired, and distributed by Entertainment One (that's debatable), Trespass is bad, like bile in your mouth bad. It's a home invasion conch that goes on and on and on, draining any tension you might have thought you had at the beginning of watching it. 

Sure Nic Cage as family man Kyle Miller is reliable and Kidman as his wife (Sarah Miller) does an okay job of acting afraid and cowed, but then there's the bad guys, the antagonists, bickering and yelling and botching the job and getting more doltish as time marches on. They probably could've offed the hostages and just searched ye olde mansion for anything of value but no, they have to explain everything and intimidate and never shut the f up. There's a saying you know, it's that "overexposure kills you". Natch. 

Trespass, well it's directed by the late Joel Schumacher, a man who never saw a weird camera angle, a cheesy zoom, or an awkward flashback he didn't like. Besides 2000's Tigerland and Phone Booth, there has never been a film of his I can really get on board with (and there have been over 25 of them). I mean the dude was one of the kings of schlock, substituting pap for art and commercial swipe for the adjective of untrammeled. His Trespass as a compact thriller is uh, "criminally" mundane. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Juice 1992 * * * 1/2 Stars

UPTOWN ANTHEM

"If you want respect you've got to earn it." So quips the levelheaded character of Quincy "Q" Powell from Juice, an urban crime conch that spits the sights and sounds of early 90s NYC on the real. It's in the soundtrack, it's in the red-blooded lingo, and it's in the bold-colored cinematography laced with a little doggedness. New Jack City was The Godfather while Juice was Goodfellas, a little more lowdown, a little more lower class, and small-scale.  

The cast was unknown at the time (Omar Epps, Tupac Shakur, Khalil Kain, Samuel L. Jackson), the director was Spike Lee's cinematographer (Ernest Dickerson), and as far as I know, the film wasn't marketed heavily. Juice, well it came out in a wave of early to mid, post-Cold War decade flicks like Fresh and New Jersey Drive and 1993's Menace II Society. As a thriller it's dense yet ruthless and dangerous, with a citified look that's more commercial than independent. Dickerson creates tension throughout, turning comradeship between four young, misguided hoods into a living, breathing nightmare. "You got the juice now, man". Are you sure about that boss, are you?

Juice, yeah it's lean and mean, with Ernest Dickerson masterfully carrying the final, violent sequence set to Cypress Hill's "How I Could Just Kill a Man" with total aplomb. Yup, Juice is a snapshot and/or slice of "crime doesn't pay" swipe, where some childhood friends knock off a liquor store only to have one of them kill the clerk and some of each other. Minus a rather thin narrative where you know little about these wannabe thugs before bedlam gets pukka, Juice literally unfolds like a sledgehammer, with Shakur's pitiless, psycho Roland Bishop the standout and/or anchor. Solid cast, non-flashy yet tight direction, Tupac emoting like a spitfire hyena, and taut editing make Juice sundry viewing for anyone who likes their gangster pics with a little strife. On this "juice". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy 2024 * * * Stars

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!!!

2024's Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is a documentary about how branded companies supply ruses and duplicity to get you to purchase their goods no matter the cost or whether you need said goods or not. "It just becomes this cycle of pain." Oh yeah, true dat. 

"Buy Now!", well it has interviews from people who worked at Adidas, Apple, and Amazon. Now those same people are pseudo whistleblowers, angered after leaving their corporations and venting as if they could taste their 15 minutes of fame. I mean I sure hope they got paid for exposing their cohorts now that they're out of a job. "They know you, like we know you". Uh, that's not dodgy at all.

So yeah, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is the antithesis to the concept of consumerism and the antiserum to the protection of the natural world. Just picture an ESPN, 30 for 30 episode but without the concept of sports. Just picture a warped-out, Peter Gabriel music video sans the Claymation. Just picture a cinematic acid trip complete with multiple facets of sensory overload. Just picture this, that, and just about everything else when it comes to the "pink elephant" conch that is "Buy Now!".

Sure the film feels one-sided and sort of fan-made when it comes to the wronged art of non-procuring. Sure there's this AI narration throughout that'll give you the ill at ease, creep-o alerts. And sure, "Buy Now!" doesn't have much of a narrative and/or structure, just a rinse, repeat cycle of accounts via some disgruntled workers on the corporate lam. Still, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is tantalizing in the way it distributes its rather cryptic info about scraps and detritus that tend to take our environment for a duff ride. Heck, it's the type of flick you could show agog high schoolers on Earth Day. Unix "conspiracy". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Christmas Brew 2024 * * * Stars

NEAR BEER

Unseasoned director Vincenzo Conrorio helms 2024's The Christmas Brew. And yeah, it's not the most Christmassy movie with Christmas in the title. "Brew" is about beer though in spades, the same way last year's A Christmas Vintage was about well, wine. "Was there ever a world in which I got to keep running my brewery?" Easy there big guy, good times ahead.  

The Christmas Brew, well it's like watching a holiday flick where you ditch the cutesy hat, nuzzle the slow burn, and go for the more entrancing, silly season spectacle. I mean there's a little less Yuletide schmaltz and a little more at stake in terms of the fate of its characters. Every frame feels like small town, Upstate New York (because it is). Every scene involves the actors in various pregnant pauses, as live and/or otherwise, coffee shop music inhabits almost every bit of background noise. Heck, I was waiting for the owner of Starbucks to pop up on screen via some shameless plug. In case y'all didn't know, the biggest roastery reserve in the world does occasionally serve the suds in various locations. 

So yeah, "Brew" stars Kaitlyn Lunardi, James Liddell, and Jeremy Cohen. Now for all intensive purposes, is the film a romcom where the two leads get their googly eyes on and take forever to rendezvous? Sort of but not really (if that makes any sense). And is "Brew" more about the corporate takeover of a business where it's you know, "just business?" Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize. The Christmas Brew has a diegesis where a consultant tries to help purchase a local, ale-making establishment only to later find out that her company plans to turn it into a gas station and/or a quasi, 7-Eleven (ugh). "Sweetheart, I don't think you understand how this racket works". Okay Gordon Gekko, whatevs. "Brew" up. 

Written by Jesse Burleson