The Wrong Track 2025 * * Stars

OFF TRACK

Manipulative, suggestive, mean-spirited, and recherche sports-related, 2025's The Wrong Track makes a movie like '85's American Flyers seem well, surprisingly tame. It's about cross-country skiing competitions set to lush forestry and frozen water, vapor-covered elevations, a long shot here, an overhead shot there, a wide, some full-frontal nudity (what?). Man I wish I knew what made "Track's" director (Hallvar Witzo) really tick. I mean he's been in the game for 15 years now and I've never heard of any of his swipe. "Can't we try to put all this aside for now?" Sorry, no can do my friend. 

Filmed in snowy Europe (I'm thinking) and featuring some poor dubbing courtesy of good old Netflix (it's their thing now), The Wrong Track is a pic that doesn't know what it wants to be, kind of like a broke twentysomething that's young and dumb and straight out of trade school. I mean is it a romantic drama, a dog-eat-dog, pastime endeavor, a Jake Kasden wannabe, or a dry-humored comedy with thick English accents? That remains to be seen. "Are you out of your mind?" No. Only if I have to glide without going downhill, for hours on end, and forgoing the use of lifts. Ugh!

So yeah, a vehicle about classic ski style originating in Nordic countries doesn't seem like the sexiest thing to ever be put on celluloid. No wonder helmer Witzo had to intersperse "Track" with dramedy, wee and poop jokes, a little whoopee, boring Skiroute-s, and shards of innuendo. Talk about a slippery slope (pun intended). I mean if you think a sad sack, unemployed divorced woman (Ada Elde as Emilie) finishing last in a ski race to appease her fam is a cinematic revelation then more power to you. I'm sure there's a feel good moment there buried beneath the shine of fresh powder. Proved me "wrong".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode 2025 * 1/2 Stars

MOTHER GOOSED

I really can't stand it when a comedy special shows up on Netflix and it's a comedian I've never heard of, acting ostentatious, mugging to the audience, and feeling the need to wait for someone to laugh at him or her. At 54 minutes, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode is that comedy special, a rather generically-filmed snippet where a sort of forced laugh track has seamlessly been inserted (I could be wrong but it sure felt that way). 

So yeah, I'm not saying Rosebud is dead in the water because she does have attributes, just not in the realm of being humorous. I mean she's attractive, she's got screen presence, she has a nice raspy voice, she managed to pick the right Rodney Dangerfield milieu, and the girl can hurl the F-word like nobody's business. It's just that I didn't giggle at all during "Mother Lode", probably because I was comparing Baker to another potty-mouthed chick, that being Ohio's favorite farceur and blonde hot mess, Nikki Glaser. Um, at least Nikki makes you laugh nervously while being offended by her whole affronting, kit and caboodle. Believe that. 

Cincinnati-born funny-women and profanity-laden stand-ups aside, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode was filmed in New York City and edited to the point where some parts show Rosebud 8 months pregnant and other parts show she's just recovering from having a little tyke. Yeah, it wasn't really groundbreaking even though it felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. Whether Baker is waxing on life as a Republican, dealing with her hubby (who's also a tummler), rambling about the downside of relations, being the poor man's Glaser, or recalling having ye olde bun in the oven, "Mother Lode" is just non-zany noise and not worthy of being set free to the masses. "Comstock lode". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Kinda Pregnant 2025 * 1/2 Stars

NOT SO PARTURIENT

Lainey Newton (played by Amy Schumer) fakes being pregnant by wearing a false baby bump. Why you ask? Because pregnant people are treated better and respected more by total and complete strangers. Plus, Lainey's friends are also preggo and she wants to connect with them. That's the rub of 2025's Kinda Pregnant, a sort of cutting room floor of some Judd Apatow dailies that never made the grade. "I've always known I wanted a family". Uh, you got a funny way of showing it there Newton.

Anyway I'm a sucker for a raunchy R-rated flick, a trend that seemed to start in the late 90s with stuff like American Pie, 1997's Orgazmo, and There's Something About Mary. With "Kinda", everything however appears dated. It's as if star Amy Schumer thought it was ten years ago and her you know what didn't stink. I mean there are some funny moments amidst the potty-mouthed dialogue, the painful physical slapstick, and the occasional gross-out gags. But there's also a dabble of familiarity and well, in the cards, ribald predictability. At 98 minutes, Kinda Pregnant evaporates right after you see it, taking the modern day sex comedy and making it more of a series of bawdy filler extracts as opposed to an actual movie. "How do you really feel?" Um, I just told y'all, for reals.  

All in all, "Kinda" has star Schumer probably thinking this thing is her typecast, comeback vehicle. Yeah not so much. With any Amy Schumer pic, it's all about her and her improvisation overload and her magnified, female glitch. Whether it's feeling timorous or inadequate about her looks in I Feel Pretty, being promiscuous and/or commitment phobic in 2015's Trainwreck, or putting the sham on the old bun in the oven prelude (as evidenced by "Kinda"), Schumer's high jinks are pretty unendurable to watch even at the expense of a few tee-hees. "Pregnant paused".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Heart Eyes 2025 * * Stars

HEART BURN

2025's Heart Eyes is basically Scream for the Valentine's Day crowd. I mean there's a masked killer, there's a big reveal of who the masked killer is, there's references to other movies (even romcoms, no joke), there's offhanded humor, and um, there's plenty of gruesome death blows with various chef's knives. "We're being chased by a serial killer". Yeah, tell me something I don't know sweetie. 

Directed by comedy horror helmer Josh Ruben (makes sense), feverishly paced, and co-starring a dude who happens to be in the latest assortment of flicks with Ghostface on the prowl (also makes sense), "Eyes" is about a maniac murderer who likes to prey on loving couples every time the 14th of Feb rolls around. 

So OK, with "Eyes" there are protagonists who seem to miss dying by the skin of their teeth only because the Heart Eyes killer hits the targets of the side characters. Then there's those inventive ways for the Heart Eyes killer to get his/her kill on with enough fake Karo syrup to fill an ocean. Of course there's bad acting from the leads (Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding) who are supposed to end up together even as their courtship is pretty much roughshod. Finally, we have the news media involved and yeah, they appear about as glib and blase as every other would-be casualty on screen. Yup, we're talking Kevin Williamson territory here, the poor man's Kevin Williamson mind you.

All in all, Heart Eyes has a hook and that hook is the holiday we all think of as overly commercialized. You take away said hook and you're left with nothing but a workaday scare fest, a cash grab brought by the producers who know horror fans and so hard up for a false face psycho with a strut they'll pony up $10-$20 bones just for the sheer heck of it. Hey, my arse was duped. "Cockeyed".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Companion 2025 * * * Stars

CONSORTED 

"Shut her down already". Ah, that's how you get a human-like robot to stop acting well, human. Otherwise AI will starting thinking for themselves and become well, actual Homo Sapiens. Hey it could happen. Rookie director/TV movie monger Drew Hancock ain't playing folks. 

So yeah, my latest review is Hancock's automaton-infused Companion, a sort of black comedy, horror film that feels like the time to come of black comedy, horror films. I mean one moment you're nervously laughing at the folly of it all, how in the instant of peril Companion's baddies act nonchalant as all get-out. The next moment, well you're realizing that there's blood-soaked danger right around the corner. "That was not part of the plan". Oh but it is my dear, it truly is. 

Companion's droid lead, well it's Sophie Thatcher as Iris, acting like a female David Swinton but in her twenties, enhanced with the ability to love and to unintentionally get her kill on. She is matched by Jack Quaid's Josh, a millennial also-ran who uses Iris to commit some lake house murders so he can steal $12 mil from a Russki mobster named Sergey (played by Rupert Friend). Quaid, yeah he has definitely gone into slimeball, antagonistic territory as evident by his evil sad sacker in Companion. It's like he's decided to carry over the spaz, murderer persona shtick from Scream and keep the dream alive. 

Spielberg early 2000s characters and Meg Ryan offspring aside, Companion is a quietly warped, sort of layered, trepidation vehicle where unless you viewed its January trailer, you don't know the whole kit and caboodle going in. Works for me. Violent, morbidly funny, and unevenly edited only because there's enough twists and turns to facilitate the roller-coasters at Great America, this companion is indeed "mightily unstable". Again works for me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Flight Risk 2025 * * Stars

 

RISKY BEESWAX

2025's Flight Risk is basically helmer Mel Gibson giving the middle finger to the notion of praxis. I mean if Oliver Stone can take a break from making historical epics to do U Turn and Savages then why not. With "Risk", Gibson knows where to thrust his camera but he's clearly on holiday, what with all the aviator schlock and cockpit chaos that's clearly not based on a true story. "I'm gonna enjoy this". Good for you dude. Good 4 you. 

Made on a pretty miserly budget ($25 mil) and featuring star Mark Wahlberg sporting a bogus, bald head (at least that's what I thought), Flight Risk could have been a lean and mean thriller about psycho pilots, rattled U.S. Marshals, and transported passengers. Instead we get a sloppy B-movie only made sloppier by Wahlberg hamming it up, co-star Michelle Dockery mugging to the lens, and co-star Topher Grace acting like well, Topher Grace. 

"Risk", well it feels like an action spoof and/or action-packed SNL skit more than anything else, blurring the lines of hasty design and searching for a sure-fire congruence. I'm thinking mad Mel looked at dailies in the editing room and thought, "oh bummer". 

So yeah, you want a childish script penned by "Risk's" rookie writer Jared Rosenberg? I didn't think so. There's only so many poop, urine, and innuendo jokes a viewer can take. You want some faceless voices doing bad acting over the plane intercom in moments of peril? Uh, neither do I. You want Gibson's penchant for grisly violence and nasty barbarity? I mean sure, why not. That's the highlight even if it's in fits and starts. Finally, do you want me to recommend Flight Risk so I can take a little mercy on all January junk releases? Can't do it. That ain't my "flight of fancy". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The 36th Annual Notre Dame Student Film Festival, January 24-26th, 2025

I've been covering the Notre Dame Student Festival on and off since 2014. Below are the highlights along with favorable ratings. Of note: this is the first time I voted on the potential winners.  

Try Again * * * Stars

-Imagine Christopher Nolan on holiday, making something low budget and without a script. That's the gist of Try Again, a savage, dark, total mindf*ck of a short film. Requires multiple viewings to figure out the whole kit and caboodle (as only Nolan himself would have it). 

Mazi Remastered * * * Stars

-As something about a DJ from the South Side of Chicago, Mazi Remastered is a laid back, swiftly edited docu in which the funky beats dictate the rhythms of the digital underground subjects (pun intended). Mazi, well he seems like a cocksure guy who never feels like he's worked a day in his life. Hey, he gets away with it. 

Veritas * * * * Stars

 

-Made by what looks like an expert, student filmmaker, Veritas for me is this year's best entry in ND's 2025 festival. It's about Catholic nuns named the Dominican Sisters who teach at a school in Northern Kentucky. A rack focus here, a close-up there, the camera peeking in everywhere, Veritas has its vassals not really knowing they're being filmed. Opaque and quietly powerful stuff.

You Are Home * * * * Stars

-Melissa Cook was a Notre Dame softball player who died tragically in a scaffolding accident via the city of Chicago. A stadium was named after her in the documentary, You Are Home. Hey, this is more than just a lamenting docu mind you, this is veridical realism. Unfolds like a sledgehammer, packs an emotional wallop.  

Footprints of Glory * * * Stars

-An expeditious, cross-cut-type short about diving and possible soon-to-be Olympic dreams, Footprints of Glory is just over four minutes but carries a hint of pure ebullience. Oh and like all great pics, the music is everything, well pretty much everything.

Written by Jesse Burleson

One of Them Days 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

"THAT A GIRL GOES THROUGH"

What I learned from 2025's One of Them Days, is that its diegesis is somewhat pukka. I mean you have two roommates who have one full, 1st of the month to come up with the rent money (and other life-threatening monies) or they'll be on the street or worse yet, dead. "Days", well it stars Keke Palmer and SZA, two actresses who exhibit a ton of get-up-and-go as tenants Dreux and Alyssa. "You lucky she holding me back!" Hex yeah.

Anyhow One of Them Days is like a female version of Friday or a female, farce version of say 2001's Training Day. It's in the look and feel as tar-pitted LA takes center stage with Ghetto Birds, pigeons, and split rims all intact. 

So yeah, everything in "Days" happens in almost 24 hours (hence the title) and there are plenty of high jinks and uncertain hazards along the way. I mean for nearly 97 minutes we watch Dreux and Alyssa try to come up with $1500 bones (which eventually elevates to over six grand) and it becomes rather vexing and um, frustrating. Yup, it's not easy when you have to deal with a cheating broke boyfriend, a lady thug with reprisal on her mind, King Lolo the drug lord, and "Biscuit Bandit" trying to thwart the operation (don't ask). "I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong". Sing it Monica! Sing it girl!

Hit ditties and yeasty, pastry robbers aside, One of Them Days is billed as a comedy but you hardly guffaw, probably because the characters and sitches in it feel lifted from other flicks of the same nature (ever seen anything directed by Rick Famuyiwa, Steve Carr, and/or John Singleton? Exactly). It's not a bad pic but I don't see a stoner cult following or repeated viewings in the near future. "Days" gone by.   

Written by Jesse Burleson

Back in Action 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

ACTION MANAGEMENT

Two CIA agents who happened to be romantically involved, leave the life only to be pulled back in after a YouTube video of them beating up some ruffians at a club surfaces over a decade later. That's the rub of 2025's Back in Action, a vehicle so carefree and lightheartedly savage, it might qualify as a cinematic gainsay. 

Anyway I'm a sucker for movies where bone-crunching fight sequences and taekwondo aptitude rule the roost. With "Action", there are plenty of both, filmed three-dimensional and set to music by Etta James, Dean Martin, and James Brown (yikes). Back in Action, well it earns its title, starring Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz as operatives Emily and Matt, kicking and punching and head-slamming their way to skirmish glory. It's like The Bourne Identity for couples, Mr. and Mrs. Smith without tykes attached, a better version of 2010's Killers, Diaz in Charlie's Angels mode (woot woot). "That's not why we were cool". Uh, thank you for the insight Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds. Don't clip me for I'm just the writer. 

So yeah, do I plan on recommending Back in Action? Almost. The brawling, death-defying stunt work, and car chases are modernized, streamlined, and cool. It's the scripted stuff in between that's a little dicey (and kind of stupefying to be honest). I mean why do Emily and Matt's characters feel the need to say whatever pops in their heads (improvisation overload)? And why are their kids so darn annoying and almost passive by nature? And um, why is "Action's" plot so evocative of every spy flick ever made? Finally, why does "Action" never take the time to take itself seriously, being way too tongue in cheek for its own good? Questions, questions, questions and only the pic's distributor Netflix can answer them. Oh wait, this is Netflix's veritable par for the course. Asked and answered. "Back" handed. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Ad Vitam 2025 * * Stars

AD HOCKERY

"This peaceful little life". Car chases and killings and ransom kidnappings and balloon sky riders oh my! Peaceful my stinking butt!

So OK, what is Ad Vitam? Well it's a movie I guess and mysterious words of wisdom too. Ad vitam, yeah it means "for life". Me, I'm "for" a plot gloss as to why an FBI agent seems to have people wanting to either kill him or arrest him. Yeesh!

Anyway Ad Vitam is a slickly-made thriller, so slick in fact that it distracts you from how choppy it is from a narrative standpoint. Although directed by four-timer Rodolphe Lauga, "Ad" looks like something action monger Brian A. Miller would've done ten years ago, shiny and glossy and violent and hollow and well, pedestrian. Look for low budget, typewriter title cards, clear the area police action, and rather plodding shootouts. About the only things missing from Ad Vitam are Thomas Jane, Bruce Willis and some monotonous, cue card line readings.

As per the last paragraph, I can't really compute the actual diegesis of Ad Vitam, I just can't. The film has no wiki page anyway and that just makes everything that much more frustrating. I mean I know "Ad's" lead is the sleepwalking Guillaume Canet, a cross between the poor man's Bradley Cooper and the poor man's Patrick Dempsey. I know the film is told mostly in slogged flashbacks, with training scenes for members of GIGN's tactical unit interspersed with sudden bursts of brute force. I know there's a pregnant wife character (Stephanie Caillard as Leo) who doesn't mind harming said pregnancy slinging fists of fury. Um, I know Netflix is involved (shocker). Finally, I know Ad Vitam was shot in the country of France ("wee-ooh, wee-ooh). Now is that enough my beret-loving "Frogs?" Not for a recommendation. "Ad out". 

Written by Jesse Burleson