Novocaine 2025 * * * Stars

DON'T THINK DON'T WORRY EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE

"Oh my gosh, you're a superhero". That's right boys and girls, eat your heart out Mr. Fantastic. 

Anyway 2025's Novocaine is about a main character who can't feel pain. So hey, why not make it one of the most barbaric and violent movies ever made. I mean Nathan "Novocaine" Caine (played by star in the making Jack Quaid) gets put through the almighty ringer here, battered, bucked, and bruised like some human pinata filled with ichor. "So what's your deal?" Uh, more like what's your deal bonebreaker? Natch.

Novocaine, well it puts the action comedy in action comedy, parading around like some warped B-movie playing at the kung-fu grindhouse. It's bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip then bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip. Rinse, rinse, repeat. Continued echo. "Hey bleep-hole, feel this!" Uh we feel ya Caine, boy do we feel ya. 

So yeah, as something about an assistant credit union manager who uses his special set of skills (and malady skills) to save his would-be girlfriend from the throes of some jag bank robbers, Novocaine is nearly the antitheses of being parlous and fraught with danger. Yup, it's the type of vehicle that has you squirming one minute and snorting the next, with its tongue clearly planted in cheek (or corn syrup-soaked cheek and just about everything else). 

Starring the likes of Quaid (mentioned earlier), Amber Midthunder, Ray Nicholson, and Spider-Man character actor monger Jacob Batalon, Novocaine carries a huge plot turn of events (which I won't mention) and about five or so endings where its black hats come at you relentlessly like The Terminator. The flick obviously doesn't have an A-list cast but its hook of mild-mannered dorko-s with a sense of badassery and CIPA to the hilt might carry it to ten years after cult status. Comfortably "numb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Twister: Caught in the Storm 2025 * * * Stars

TWISTER SISTER

"The worst thing that could happen". Well that would be a hardcore vortex of violent liquidation and neato cyclones. Poor Toto, his exterior terrier, and Uncle Henry didn't stand a chance. 

Anyway the flick I'm about to review starts off as a little pretentious, with interviews by some local yokels who think Joplin, Missouri's "you know what" doesn't stink. Then The Twister: Caught in the Storm kind of grows on you, like big-arse fungi as a toadstool, showing the devastation of tornadoes in a town of 51-plus thou. "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister!" Indeed. 

"Caught in the Storm", yeah it's shot mostly in MTV style, like watching Ridiculousness, Road Rules, or some antiquated version of Teen Mom. The film doesn't need no stinking middle-agers, numerous protective parents, or grandpappies, just a dozen or so millennials who seem punch-drunk just to get their 15 minutes of fame. 

Yeah there's archives from 2011 in the form of flashbacks, flash forward probes that are raw and unrestrained, and a burgh devastated by dust devils like Hurricane Katrina on steroids. The Twister: Caught in the Storm is a dense, documentary slice of Middle America, Americana. Rob Dyrdek rears his proverbial head while Mother Nature gets triumphed over. 

So is "Caught in the Storm" a masterpiece in the realm of desolation, docu dramedy? Uh, not quite my weather nerds. I mean why should Joplin, MO get all the sentimental love when so many other places have been torched by the throes of nasty, freewheeling tempests (I live in Illinois so the funnel clouds of Washington come to mind). And is The Twister: Caught in the Storm edited crisply and storyboard-ed to maximum effect? Oh fo sho. Director Alexandra Lacy is stealth in gradually delivering the trauma even if she's stuck in pop-cultured, grungy 90s residuum. "Storm" trooper.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Delicious 2025 * * Stars

"YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"

2025's Delicious is a director's movie if there ever was one. It's modus operandi over substance. It's style over pith. I mean what was that line from a certain 60s biopic from thirty-plus years ago? Ah yes, "you want your creative activity spoon-fed to ya?" Pun so intended.  

Anyway Delicious is about cannibalism and bad espousals and taking in total strangers and seeing what human flesh looks like in prime rib form (yikes). The title, well it pretty much says it all for at least the last 15 minutes (give or take). A rich family with the personalities of pet rocks befriend a young, injured woman and let her live in their swank vacation home. Chaos and tension gradually ensue (as they always do).  

Starring the likes of Carla Diaz, Valerie Pachner, Sina Martens, and Fahri Yardim and made about two years ago in well-to-do-cultured France, Delicious seems like the art film to be the be-all, end-all of all art films. Um, I'm not sure if that's a good thing mind you. Helmer Nele Mueller Stofen commits to every shot whether it be a rinse, repeat of wide likenesses, longs, and overheads. She seems to be channeling her inner Kubrick and/or Wes Anderson but forgot that story, character development, and a little rapidity matter too. 

The diegesis of Delicious, well it literally doesn't unfold until the late part of the third act. And Volker Bertelmann's stirring musical score can only do so much to heighten what little impetus Delicious possesses. The actors give decent performances when they're not pregnant pausing and Provence seems like a darn nice place to visit. But when a pic comes off more as a series of priceless paintings clicked over on a slide show than actual celluloid, it's probably not worth reaching its cinematic Waterloo. Bitter "taste". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chaos: The Manson Murders 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MURDERS HE WROTE

"Manson became exactly what the CIA was trying to create". That's a darn scary thought I've never even heard about. Man I've lived a pretty sheltered life. 

So OK, I never thought I would revisit the catacombs of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood again, an adapted refresher about Charles Milles Manson and his minions hanging out at some dude ranch outside of sunny LA. But here it is ladies and gents, an actual documentary involving America's most notorious cult leader and his foray into the Tate-LaBianca killings circa 1969. 

Chaos: The Manson Murders, well it's said docu, a sort of acid trip incubus that rounds out to an untidy 95 minutes. A hallucinatory image here, an archive done microfilm-style there, interviews from writers I've never heard of everywhere, a split screen. Yeah "Chaos" is just good enough to keep the viewer totally beguiled and drunk in. With rather raw confabs between the warped Manson and his straight-faced journalists, the pic is above the cinematic Mendoza line when it comes to all things transmission. 

So um, what keeps Chaos: The Manson Murders from reaching adaptation glory greatness? Well it's veteran helmer Errol Morris and the way he puts things together (or doesn't put things together). I mean "Chaos" is well-directed from a style standpoint but it's also oddly tangled from an editing slant. Instead of concentrating on Charley boy, his mind control, his murderous intent, his hyperactive psychopathy, and his stint as Beach Boys buddy monger, Morris waxes mostly about the late 1960s instead, you know, social norms and civil rights and psychedelics, yada yada. His adroitness mostly wanders giving "Chaos" a viewing experience that is rather gallivanting. "When a story did start to emerge, it was managed very carefully". Are you sure about that Errol? Are you bro? Primordial "chaos". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Squad 36 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

AMBIVALENT OUTFIT

2025's Squad 36 is like a form of mild noir. I mean it's a little too modern day to take place in the 1950s but it does have the gumption to be a film about investigations into the conch of professional murders. Its lead (Victor Belmondo as Antoine Cerda) wanders "36's" French landscape like he's Columbo and/or Philip Marlowe, asking questions with his mediocre-dubbed voice, his near-wooden acting, and his surprisingly searing screen presence. Belmondo, well he appears and shifts like a younger version of a droopy-eyed former Beatle (what you say?). He's in nearly every frame for better or worse. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Squad 36 is a bit of a slog, a flick that's 30 minutes longer than it should have been. Lots of characters, a few subplots, a lot of slickness. Yeah "36" probably needed a different editor to wade through all this 2-hour-plus hodgepodge. But hey, at least Squad 36's director (Oliver Marchal) is going for a thinking man's thriller as opposed to some mindless actioner starring Thomas Jane and former paycheck monger Bruce Willis (for example). "36", yup it's about a scrappy cop who goes rogue, trying to inspect the deaths of his workmates through off-duty, detective toil. 

All in all, Squad 36 has got streamlined direction, a nice techno soundtrack, some adequate Paris locales, and a certain level of atmospherics. The problem is it's a little too disjointed for its own good. I mean you go back to the pic's elongated running time (124 minutes) and think, "is this some sort of rough cut with a tacked on ending just for kicks and giggles?" Add some unknown troupers with unsung names (Juliette Dol, Yvan Attal), some random shootout clips that are on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet (pun intended) and you have a well-intention-ed yet mixed review from me. Odd "squad". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wrong Track 2025 * * Stars

OFF TRACK

Manipulative, suggestive, mean-spirited, and recherche sports-related, 2025's The Wrong Track makes a movie like '85's American Flyers seem well, surprisingly tame. It's about cross-country skiing competitions set to lush forestry and frozen water, vapor-covered elevations, a long shot here, an overhead shot there, a wide, some full-frontal nudity (what?). Man I wish I knew what made "Track's" director (Hallvar Witzo) really tick. I mean he's been in the game for 15 years now and I've never heard of any of his swipe. "Can't we try to put all this aside for now?" Sorry, no can do my friend. 

Filmed in snowy Europe (I'm thinking) and featuring some poor dubbing courtesy of good old Netflix (it's their thing now), The Wrong Track is a pic that doesn't know what it wants to be, kind of like a broke twentysomething that's young and dumb and straight out of trade school. I mean is it a romantic drama, a dog-eat-dog, pastime endeavor, a Jake Kasden wannabe, or a dry-humored comedy with thick English accents? That remains to be seen. "Are you out of your mind?" No. Only if I have to glide without going downhill, for hours on end, and forgoing the use of lifts. Ugh!

So yeah, a vehicle about classic ski style originating in Nordic countries doesn't seem like the sexiest thing to ever be put on celluloid. No wonder helmer Witzo had to intersperse "Track" with dramedy, wee and poop jokes, a little whoopee, boring Skiroute-s, and shards of innuendo. Talk about a slippery slope (pun intended). I mean if you think a sad sack, unemployed divorced woman (Ada Elde as Emilie) finishing last in a ski race to appease her fam is a cinematic revelation then more power to you. I'm sure there's a feel good moment there buried beneath the shine of fresh powder. Proved me "wrong".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode 2025 * 1/2 Stars

MOTHER GOOSED

I really can't stand it when a comedy special shows up on Netflix and it's a comedian I've never heard of, acting ostentatious, mugging to the audience, and feeling the need to wait for someone to laugh at him or her. At 54 minutes, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode is that comedy special, a rather generically-filmed snippet where a sort of forced laugh track has seamlessly been inserted (I could be wrong but it sure felt that way). 

So yeah, I'm not saying Rosebud is dead in the water because she does have attributes, just not in the realm of being humorous. I mean she's attractive, she's got screen presence, she has a nice raspy voice, she managed to pick the right Rodney Dangerfield milieu, and the girl can hurl the F-word like nobody's business. It's just that I didn't giggle at all during "Mother Lode", probably because I was comparing Baker to another potty-mouthed chick, that being Ohio's favorite farceur and blonde hot mess, Nikki Glaser. Um, at least Nikki makes you laugh nervously while being offended by her whole affronting, kit and caboodle. Believe that. 

Cincinnati-born funny-women and profanity-laden stand-ups aside, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode was filmed in New York City and edited to the point where some parts show Rosebud 8 months pregnant and other parts show she's just recovering from having a little tyke. Yeah, it wasn't really groundbreaking even though it felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. Whether Baker is waxing on life as a Republican, dealing with her hubby (who's also a tummler), rambling about the downside of relations, being the poor man's Glaser, or recalling having ye olde bun in the oven, "Mother Lode" is just non-zany noise and not worthy of being set free to the masses. "Comstock lode". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Kinda Pregnant 2025 * 1/2 Stars

NOT SO PARTURIENT

Lainey Newton (played by Amy Schumer) fakes being pregnant by wearing a false baby bump. Why you ask? Because pregnant people are treated better and respected more by total and complete strangers. Plus, Lainey's friends are also preggo and she wants to connect with them. That's the rub of 2025's Kinda Pregnant, a sort of cutting room floor of some Judd Apatow dailies that never made the grade. "I've always known I wanted a family". Uh, you got a funny way of showing it there Newton.

Anyway I'm a sucker for a raunchy R-rated flick, a trend that seemed to start in the late 90s with stuff like American Pie, 1997's Orgazmo, and There's Something About Mary. With "Kinda", everything however appears dated. It's as if star Amy Schumer thought it was ten years ago and her you know what didn't stink. I mean there are some funny moments amidst the potty-mouthed dialogue, the painful physical slapstick, and the occasional gross-out gags. But there's also a dabble of familiarity and well, in the cards, ribald predictability. At 98 minutes, Kinda Pregnant evaporates right after you see it, taking the modern day sex comedy and making it more of a series of bawdy filler extracts as opposed to an actual movie. "How do you really feel?" Um, I just told y'all, for reals.  

All in all, "Kinda" has star Schumer probably thinking this thing is her typecast, comeback vehicle. Yeah not so much. With any Amy Schumer pic, it's all about her and her improvisation overload and her magnified, female glitch. Whether it's feeling timorous or inadequate about her looks in I Feel Pretty, being promiscuous and/or commitment phobic in 2015's Trainwreck, or putting the sham on the old bun in the oven prelude (as evidenced by "Kinda"), Schumer's high jinks are pretty unendurable to watch even at the expense of a few tee-hees. "Pregnant paused".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Heart Eyes 2025 * * Stars

HEART BURN

2025's Heart Eyes is basically Scream for the Valentine's Day crowd. I mean there's a masked killer, there's a big reveal of who the masked killer is, there's references to other movies (even romcoms, no joke), there's offhanded humor, and um, there's plenty of gruesome death blows with various chef's knives. "We're being chased by a serial killer". Yeah, tell me something I don't know sweetie. 

Directed by comedy horror helmer Josh Ruben (makes sense), feverishly paced, and co-starring a dude who happens to be in the latest assortment of flicks with Ghostface on the prowl (also makes sense), "Eyes" is about a maniac murderer who likes to prey on loving couples every time the 14th of Feb rolls around. 

So OK, with "Eyes" there are protagonists who seem to miss dying by the skin of their teeth only because the Heart Eyes killer hits the targets of the side characters. Then there's those inventive ways for the Heart Eyes killer to get his/her kill on with enough fake Karo syrup to fill an ocean. Of course there's bad acting from the leads (Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding) who are supposed to end up together even as their courtship is pretty much roughshod. Finally, we have the news media involved and yeah, they appear about as glib and blase as every other would-be casualty on screen. Yup, we're talking Kevin Williamson territory here, the poor man's Kevin Williamson mind you.

All in all, Heart Eyes has a hook and that hook is the holiday we all think of as overly commercialized. You take away said hook and you're left with nothing but a workaday scare fest, a cash grab brought by the producers who know horror fans and so hard up for a false face psycho with a strut they'll pony up $10-$20 bones just for the sheer heck of it. Hey, my arse was duped. "Cockeyed".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Companion 2025 * * * Stars

CONSORTED 

"Shut her down already". Ah, that's how you get a human-like robot to stop acting well, human. Otherwise AI will starting thinking for themselves and become well, actual Homo Sapiens. Hey it could happen. Rookie director/TV movie monger Drew Hancock ain't playing folks. 

So yeah, my latest review is Hancock's automaton-infused Companion, a sort of black comedy, horror film that feels like the time to come of black comedy, horror films. I mean one moment you're nervously laughing at the folly of it all, how in the instant of peril Companion's baddies act nonchalant as all get-out. The next moment, well you're realizing that there's blood-soaked danger right around the corner. "That was not part of the plan". Oh but it is my dear, it truly is. 

Companion's droid lead, well it's Sophie Thatcher as Iris, acting like a female David Swinton but in her twenties, enhanced with the ability to love and to unintentionally get her kill on. She is matched by Jack Quaid's Josh, a millennial also-ran who uses Iris to commit some lake house murders so he can steal $12 mil from a Russki mobster named Sergey (played by Rupert Friend). Quaid, yeah he has definitely gone into slimeball, antagonistic territory as evident by his evil sad sacker in Companion. It's like he's decided to carry over the spaz, murderer persona shtick from Scream and keep the dream alive. 

Spielberg early 2000s characters and Meg Ryan offspring aside, Companion is a quietly warped, sort of layered, trepidation vehicle where unless you viewed its January trailer, you don't know the whole kit and caboodle going in. Works for me. Violent, morbidly funny, and unevenly edited only because there's enough twists and turns to facilitate the roller-coasters at Great America, this companion is indeed "mightily unstable". Again works for me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson