TARTLET PANIC
How bad is 2024's Unfrosted? Um, as a sort of befuddled SNL skit and/or pappyshow of veracious events, it's liver and onions bad, cucumber ice cream bad. Unfrosted, well it's a flick about 60s Michigan (Battle Creek to be exact). Two cereal adversaries (Kellogg's and Post) compete against each other to come up with the ultimate breakfast pastry, Pop-Tarts. Unfrosted clocking in at ninety-three minutes, is directed by none other than Jerry Seinfeld, a dude who has been literally under the radar for almost three decades. To quote his megahit TV show, "Oh I got to get on that internet, I'm late on everything". You said it Jerry not me.
Distributed by Netflix and based loosely on true events (I freaking hope so), Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind. Oh and look for Unfrosted's outtakes and line flubs at the end (or don't). Other than '81's The Cannonball Run, said outtakes usually indicate a lousy movie. "We're about to have some very powerful people very upset". I'm thinking that refers to the suits at Skyview Entertainment (one of Unfrosted's three undefined production companies).
Now don't get me wrong, helmer Jerry Seinfeld knows where to put the camera, knows how to provide Unfrosted with an especial look (Truman Show meets 1960s nuclear family), and can easily create a sense of time and place (the "Wolverine State" in the midst of Camelot). But why his film is so unfunny, so unwitty, and so incredibly turgid is beyond me. TV's Seinfeld, well it felt like a gazillion years ago. I mean even a bunch of Jerry's buds come in to make cameos (Hugh Grant, Christian Slater, Bill Burr, and Jon Hamm to name a few). Um, did they not bother to see the disastrous Movie 43, you know that other big-cast Razzie fest from ten years back? Guess not. "Frosted" flaky.
Written by Jesse Burleson