Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley 2024 * * * Stars

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH"

2024's Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is a documentary about Elvis and his eventual, alley-like return to the musical ring circa 1968. "Nobody messes with the King and nobody ever says he's down." Indeed.

"Fall and Rise", well it stars the late Elvis Presley of course along with interviews from the people who were there or could get in his head while peeling it off (Priscilla Presley, Billy Corgan, Conan O'Brien, Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Schilling). The flick, yeah it's a tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter. Heck, he was so darn famous even The Beatles were nervous as all get out when they eventually met him. 

So here's the thing, "Fall and Rise" is an account about the "King of Rock and Roll" that puts the dude in a more approving light. I mean fans of Elvis will be more reminded of the glory days and not the later years, you know, the obese and drug periods that led to Presley passing on that summer day via August of  '77. Yup, just picture a less dramatic, more sunny, docu version of Baz Luhrmann's Elvis, complete with swipe about Presley's film career and his awkward relationship with his shady manager, Colonel Tom Parker. 

Graceland demises and biographical spectacles begot, "Fall and Rise" while avoiding the whole fan-made and/or tributed tag, is oddly standard in its chronological approach despite being effectively grainy and redolent. Compared to other stuff like the four-star Tina and/or The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, it doesn't exactly set the world on fire. Still, Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is forthright, exposed, and disarmingly diverting. It goes down better than one of Presley's bygone plates of fried chicken coated with potato chips. Give "rise" to. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas Under the Northern Lights 2024 * 1/2 Stars

FOGGED LIGHTS

"Maybe a change in scenery is just what you need to get you unstuck." Sure. Let's go from cold weather to even nippier elements up in the Northwest Territories. Hey, let's all freeze our arses off.

Anyway, in 2024's Christmas Under the Northern Lights there's a lot of Yuletide cheer, a lot of townie lore, and a lot of shameless plugging for that rare wonder that is aurora. Clocking in at just under an hour and a half, "Northern" is sadly all wrapped up into one jejune bow of a movie. 

So yeah, the story of Christmas Under the Northern Lights isn't much, just more Hallmark swipe involving a woman taking time away from her job to go to some faraway place, find herself, meet a scruffy dude, and eventually stay a while. Oh and the flick takes place during the silly season, where the denizens spend most of their time outdoors, surviving sans frostbite and never touching the notion of severe hypothermia. They don't need no stinking beanies, just the sights and sounds of frozen tundra, Mother Earth. 

Christmas Under the Northern Lights, well it stars Jill Wagner as Erin and Jesse Hutch as Trevor. Wagner's Erin is an obsessive writer with enough wordsmith's block to hinder the sun. Hutch's Trevor, well he's a Ben Affleck lookalike, a holiday stalker on creeper alert. Together they are the romantic leads for better or worse, two good-looking people with issues who have nothing to bounce off of except near the end, where they explain in scripted detail why they totally dig each other (cringe). There's the obligatory, concluding smooch (which could've happened 30 minutes in), the incumbent party where everybody gets their slow dance on, and finally those northerly glows, about the only thing exciting in an otherwise conflict-free exercise in mistletoe mishandling. "Northern" blot. 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Move 2024 * * Stars

MOVE ALONG

A rattled, former mother is being terrorized by a psycho killer for reasons unexplored. Oh and said killer injects said, former mom with a serum to paralyze her. The plain to see title for my latest review is 2024's Don't Move. "What did you do to me?" The question is what doesn't he do, to everybody.

So yeah, one character in "Move" says to another character, "are you crazy". Crazy as all get-out. We're talking a family man here by night and a manipulative, murdering loon by day. Don't Move could easily be titled uh, "Get a Move On". Yeesh!

Anyway "Move" was filmed mostly in Bulgaria, a backdrop of mainly forests and lakes that seem straight out of a Friday the 13th vehicle. And despite a few gruesome moments of sudden barbarity and torrid retribution, Don't Move is still a rather unsatisfactory, horror set piece from two unseasoned directors (Brian Netto, Adam Schindler). 

Uh, why you ask? Because Netto and Schindler seem to think they can do a retread of 2020's Alone and critics like me wouldn't notice. Think again boys. Alone is the gold standard for young-women-escaping-deranged-scourge thrillers. "Move", well it sadly lacks Alone's inching tension, assured plot points, and mounds of bullying suspense. I mean it all feels so standard and just because you have a hook of the protagonist getting rendered powerless by the antagonist, doesn't mean the flick is pukka. It just makes it reek of unnecessary discouragement. 

Don't Move stars Finn Wittrock as the poor man's Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Kelsey Asbille as the even poorer woman's Ellen Page (when Ellen Page was Ellen Page). Their performances aren't exactly bad, it's just that their personas are ill-defined in a movie so compact and trivial it might as well be a DVD once delivered in the mail by Netflix (when Netflix started out being Netflix). Busted "move". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Cougar Hunting 2011 * 1/2 Stars

BAD WILL HUNTING

2011's Cougar Hunting is bad, like dumpster-diving for old Chicken McNuggets bad. It's like some director saw American Pie and thought hey, I can successfully deliver the student film/home movie camcorder version of that 90s mating farce. Uh no. "Hunting" isn't really cinema mind you, just a lot of pale mimicry and ribald smoke and mirrors. "You ain't seen nothing yet". Oh but I have my dear, I have.

Cougar Hunting as a title, well if you don't know the slang meaning of it you've probably lived a pretty sheltered life. Cougar by definition, is an older woman seeking a little casual relations from a younger man. And that man is usually all about the Mrs. Robinson. Uh, all I have to say is hiss, purr, mew, growl!

Cougar Hunting, well the rubric pretty much explains itself. Three dolts with enough amorous mentality and tact-free scraps to power a small country, decide to go to Aspen (no pun intended) to pick up some otherwise lonely, aged females. I mean there's a few raunchy, snickering moments of dialogue from said dolts but there's also commonplace, gross poop gags, non-plausible carnal shenanigans, the usual member jokes, and rather mediocre acting all around. 

Note to helmer Robin Blazek (who hasn't made anything since "Hunting" came out): not all the cougar-invested dimes in your flick need to be wearing fur coats. Oh and your three characters (played by Matt Prokop, Randy Wayne, Jared Dauplaise), well they wish they could pick up older sheilas this easily. At least the dudes in American Pie (mentioned earlier) had to actually work for it. Finally, hire a real band to do your soundtrack next time, not some karaoke-loving dude off the street who feels the need to lace his profanity-laden lyrics over a dose of clear-cut Muzak. "Cougar" cheese. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Unfrosted 2024 * 1/2 Stars

TARTLET PANIC

How bad is 2024's Unfrosted? Um, as a sort of befuddled SNL skit and/or pappyshow of veracious events, it's liver and onions bad, cucumber ice cream bad. Unfrosted, well it's a flick about 60s Michigan (Battle Creek to be exact). Two cereal adversaries (Kellogg's and Post) compete against each other to come up with the ultimate breakfast pastry, Pop-Tarts. Unfrosted clocking in at ninety-three minutes, is directed by none other than Jerry Seinfeld, a dude who has been literally under the radar for almost three decades. To quote his megahit TV show, "Oh I got to get on that internet, I'm late on everything". You said it Jerry not me. 

Distributed by Netflix and based loosely on true events (I freaking hope so), Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind. Oh and look for Unfrosted's outtakes and line flubs at the end (or don't). Other than '81's The Cannonball Run, said outtakes usually indicate a lousy movie. "We're about to have some very powerful people very upset". I'm thinking that refers to the suits at Skyview Entertainment (one of Unfrosted's three undefined production companies). 

Now don't get me wrong, helmer Jerry Seinfeld knows where to put the camera, knows how to provide Unfrosted with an especial look (Truman Show meets 1960s nuclear family), and can easily create a sense of time and place (the "Wolverine State" in the midst of Camelot). But why his film is so unfunny, so unwitty, and so incredibly turgid is beyond me. TV's Seinfeld, well it felt like a gazillion years ago. I mean even a bunch of Jerry's buds come in to make cameos (Hugh Grant, Christian Slater, Bill Burr, and Jon Hamm to name a few). Um, did they not bother to see the disastrous Movie 43, you know that other big-cast Razzie fest from ten years back? Guess not. "Frosted" flaky. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

3000 Miles to Graceland 2001 * * * Stars

JAILHOUSE GETS ROCKED

2001's 3000 Miles to Graceland refers to a line from the film. Oh and uh, there's plenty of nods to the late Elvis Presley moreover, whether it be impersonators, ditties, or nostalgic thoughts about that almighty "King".  

"Graceland", well it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, two heavyweights who go mano a mano on each other. One of their characters sadistic, the other rather imperturbable. They both want to leave the country and reclaim over $3 mil from a Las Vegas, casino robbery sort of gone amok. "You ready to play?" Ha, if that was even a question. 

Along with Costner and Russell (who play Michael Zane and Thomas J. Murphy respectfully), 3000 Miles to Graceland has a bunch of known actors who pretty much make pseudo cameos (Ice-T, Christian Slater, Courtney Cox, and Howie Long to name a few). Everyone seems to be doing this swipe for the paycheck but at least they're having fun slumming it. Oh and I almost forgot, Jon Lovitz is in "Graceland" too and he plays a money launderer hanging out at a taxidermy establishment in Idaho. I mean you see it everyday. 

So OK, 3000 Miles to Graceland is the movie equivalent of an abstract painting where everything is thrown at the canvas to see if it sticks. The pic along with being completely outre, is violent, nearly misogynistic, and laced with remorseless, offhanded humor. Director Demian Lichtenstein, well he makes you squirm one minute and then gets your heart fluttering the next. He uses every cinematic trick in the book to film his shootout sequences and yeah, it doesn't hurt that his heavy metal/techno soundtrack fits the rhythms of said sequences perfectly. Full disclosure: I've seen "Graceland" at least 50 times. It's not considered a cult classic but I think it should be. With every viewing, there's more bloody, B-movie mayhem to snicker at, more to nervously enjoy. Going the extra "miles". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Take Care of Maya 2023 * * * Stars

CARE LADEN

"Our family was falling apart". Those are words you never wanna hear, especially when said family member can't walk without a total pang effect. 

Anyway most documentaries show archive footage from an optical standpoint. 2023's Take Care of Maya, well it concentrates on what you don't see, through audio recordings of phone conversations and inmost doctor visits. And uh, the pic doesn't go back too far, just various moments from early 2015 to late 2016. "But they didn't listen". That refers to Maya Kowalski and her devastating illness.

Obviously based on true events (you can't stage this swipe), Take Care of Maya is about 10-year-old Maya and how a trip to the emergency room forced the hospital workers to believe she was becoming a victim of child abuse. Kowalski gets taken from her parents by social services, her mom eventually commits suicide, and she still seems to show signs of (CRPS). That's complex regional pain syndrome, which means swelling, limited range of motion, and/or partial paralysis of virtually all body parts.

Dysautonomic disorders and safe homes aside, Take Care of Maya is directed by Henry Roosevelt in his fifth feature. Distributed by Netflix, "Maya" has Roosevelt fashioning his docu as a downer but a necessary downer, exposing our haphazard medical system and its proverbial coldness as a veritable cry for help. Featuring a sterile and rather numbing look (no pun intended), Take Care of Maya has flashbacks and zoom depositions and doting fathers breaking down. There's no happy ending, no come to realize moment, and no one wins (that includes the baddies wearing those white coats and the parental units they ruined). Basically Take Care of Maya is like a modern-day Forensic Files episode on the come up, stretched out to 103 minutes that hit you like a Mack Truck. Respite "care".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Brothers 2024 * 1/2 Stars

BROTHERS UP IN ARMS

Two twins go on one final heist before retiring via a lifelong wave of crime. Oh and uh, they're not identical twins cause one is 5'10" and the other is under 4 and a half feet. That's the gist of 2024's Brothers, a possible pseudo black comedy with a pseudo, southern-fried sapor. 

So yeah, as "Let Your Love Flow" plays during the trailer of Brothers your ears perk up (I know mine did) and you sense that what's on screen might be a rollicking romp. No such luck. The film fizzles out as you watch it and you realize the bros in Brothers are about as interesting and likable as Brennan Huff and Dale Doback (um, that's not saying much). 

Shot in Hotlanta and starring the likes of Josh Brolin, Marisa Tomei, Glenn Close, and Brendan Fraser (that's two Academy Award winners and two Academy Award nominees y'all), Brothers runs 88 minutes with the barest bones of a plot and some real weedy characterizations. I mean you can hardly call it a movie let alone a collection of situational, farce dailies that somehow snuck into the final cut. "What is wrong with you?". Uh, that's a question only the collaborators of Brothers could answer and I'm not sure they even know. 

So OK, why does Brothers want to trick you into thinking it might be a cult classic wannabe? And what was the point in putting out a flick that was made over 3 years ago? I mean that seems like a red flag to me if you had to shelve Brothers while it collected that proverbial dust. Sure it's got a cast that's game and sure, it's giddily violent while being fairly well-paced. But do we really need extra scenes of grossness complete with a clip of an ape persona smoking a doobie while yearning for sexual advances from Brolin's sad sack family man, Moke Munger (what?)? Didn't think so. "Sibling abused". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Wind Chill 2007 * * Stars

CHILL FACTORED

Two college students embark on a trip to Delaware via a rideshare. It's winter, they're complete blow-ins (or so you think), and they become sidetracked a la a shortcut on some bummed out road. It all goes down like some choked soft drink in 2007's Wind Chill, my latest write-up.

So yeah, one character in "Chill" quips, "are we lost or something?" Something like that, in the middle of nowhere, with damaged car in tote, in the company of temps about to dip to below freezing. Wind Chill, well it seems like a fitting title don't you think?

Anyway "Chill" takes place in snowy Pennsylvania, playing it straight as a thriller until it doesn't, getting all Strangers on us. Minus a standard opening twenty minutes of boy meets girl banality, the film eventually becomes cloaked in supernatural mumbo jumbo, lacking in suspense yet gaining in ennui. First you see some ghosts, then you don't. Sometimes there's a creepy dream sequence, then it's back to spent materiality. Maybe there's a flashback, or maybe it's just a flash in the pan (natch). "They say when you freeze to death, it's just like going to sleep". The sleep part I can attend to.

Wind Chill stars Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes as nameless non-denizens, one miserable, the other kooky and rather stalkerish. As they try to hold out among the specters, the food rationing, the pink elephants, and the frozen tundra, we the viewer sadly experience a psychological slog, an endless exercise in total horror-filled manipulation if you will. I mean it just goes on and on and well, gets more misguided with the Blunt persona surviving with ne'er a scratch on her. Movies, well they shouldn't be exhausting and emptily dapper, they should be entertaining. That's two sheets out of 4 to this "wind". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trouble 2024 * * Stars

WOE

What I learned from 2024's Trouble, is that the filmmakers really need to figure out what their focus is. I mean is this vehicle a comedy, a violent action thriller, or a prison drama. Uh, make up your mind guys and um, next time try not to cast your leads in the future form of a poor man's Isla Fisher and/or a poor man's Zach Braff (if there is such a thing). 

Some bad dubbing here, a split screen or two there, bumbling, Keystone Cops everywhere, some offhanded humor, Trouble is a total mutt of a movie. And it's hard to care about anyone involved when the themes of wrongly convicted murder and imprisonment are presented in such a dispassionate way. I mean after 98 minutes I didn't expect to have seen a burlesque version of something along the lines of say, The Fugitive. "Something is not right". Uh, to the hilt my friend. To the hilt.

So yeah, in Trouble some of the characters wink to the audience (when they shouldn't), some of the gags and jokes flop and die (as they should), and director Jon Holmberg at least uses Stockholm, Sweden decently as a locale (for some reason I thought Trouble took place in Paris but whatever). 

Starring Filip Berg, Amy Deasismont, and Eva Melander, Trouble isn't awful but as a caper with lightning-quick editing and a few surprising red herrings, still manages to evaporate right after you see it. That's probably because it's difficult to believe the actions of an innocent man trying to clear his name by breaking out of prison, breaking back into prison, and parading around Stockholm as if no one would notice he's a felon fresh from the can. Heck, the diegesis of this flick in general is about as plausible as palm trees in North Dakota. "Trouble" spotted. 

Written by Jesse Burleson