Crawlers 2026 * * * Stars

NIGHTCRAWLER 

"They're on every floor." Yeah they are. We're talking spiders, minibeasts, the kind of eight-legged freaks that will paralyze you and then off your sorry butt. Heck, they might be CGI (or they might not) but they'll still creep you out via 2026's Crawlers, my latest write-up.

Anyhow Crawlers is about spiders (duh) and yes they do in fact crawl (except not too well on glass). In Crawlers, you have a tight, pocket-sized B movie, a horror thriller that might be ideal to be shown in drive-ins across the US (all 248 of them if possible). The special effects are spatial, the overhead shots by veteran director Angel Gomez Hernandez are a nice touch, the 80s techno soundtrack is nearly fire, and the mostly unlikeable characters bite that proverbial dust on multiple occasions (why am I not surprised?). "Get it off me!" Sorry boss. I mean you had your chance. Natch. 

So yeah, as a flick about an apartment complex invested with thousands of arachnids because some scientist brought them back with him (cut to opening scene), Crawlers stars unknowns Matilda Lutz, Gregg Sulkin, and Melina Matthews. Crawlers, well it's like a modern-day version of Arachnophobia (exterminators hint hint) coupled with a spider-less variant of 2002's Cabin Fever (quarantine and grisly imagery hint hint). I mean the film is not exactly novel nor is it the first of its kind. 

But hey my young Padawans, Crawlers gets to the point and its pacing and tension-building are unremitting. I mean if you wanna turn your brain off for 88 minutes and bring the beer and pizza, you're probably in for a treat. Just avoid watching this vehicle in a real dark movie theater. Yup, I was constantly checking to see if one of those nasty critters was hiding in my Reece's, strutting under my chair, or dangling from the entrance railing. "Spider visioned." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Heart of the Beast 2026 * * * 1/2 Stars

BEAST MODE

James Belmont (played by Brad Pitt) is a retired, special forces soldier who with his dog Odin, gets stranded in the Alaskan wilderness after a plane crash. They must trek 58 miles to civilization or die trying. That's the rub of Heart of the Beast, a survival thriller that although not based on a true story, probably could've been. "Just a bad dream, we're not there anymore." Are you sure about that boss? Are you?

So yeah, I've just announced "Beast" as one of the best films of 2026 (so far). And after a viewing earlier today, I assure you it's as fervent as any PG-13 flick you'll ever see. Remember Liam Neeson's Ottway from The Grey or the Anthony Hopkins character from 1997's The Edge? Well Pitt's Belmont is the rugged stepchild of both of them, smart, resolute, and tenacious as all get-out. "I shot him in the head." Yeah Pittster, that's what I'm talking about. 

Helmed with reckless abandon by David Ayer (was there ever any doubt), shot in New Zealand, and featuring enough vista long shots to power a small country, Heart of the Beast is part acute family film, part biota actioner, and all heart (no pun intended). I mean "Beast" does what all great movies do, it features three transformative scenes whether it's Belmont and his pup fighting wolves or Belmont and Odin staring down a grisly bear or Belmont and his German Sheppard pooch tackling some white water rapids. "We've been through worse." Yikes.

All in all, Heart of the Beast features some supreme physical acting by Brad Pitt, a Hollywood ending that is pure amber, and one of the great canine performances of all time (screen presence monger Odin played by um, Uber). Add some feverish direction by Ayer and a rousing score by Jared Michael Fry and you've got the cinematic counterpart of man's best friend. "Hearts on fire". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Seemingly Perfect Family 2026 * 1/2 Stars

IMPERFECT MURDER

"Why should we trust an 18-year-old with this position?" Um, why the heck should I the 18-year-old trust you you crazy loon?

Anyway Seemingly Perfect Family is my latest review. It's a Netflix flick that doesn't have a whole lot of buildup and/or mounting. I mean from the get-go you know who the evildoer is and you know the damsel in distress is all but locked up in some underground room (compulsory flash-forward alert). "Family is the most important thing." Uh yeah, whatevs. 

Filmed in and around Atlanta, GA and sort of free of cinematic red herrings, "Perfect Family" is about a young woman coming from a foster home to be a nanny to a well-off couple who seem unhinged right off the bat. There's the interview, there's the hire, there's the adoptive baby, there's the conflict, and finally there's the tumult. Rinse, repeat, reuse. Natch. 

With Seemingly Perfect Family, you have a few tense moments but there's also a lack of apprehension and a total lack of savoir-faire. Could it be that the acting is pretty much mediocre? Maybe. I mean Violet SinClair is no Audrey Hepburn. Could it be the fact that the film readily veers into camp? Possibly and that's saying something considering it's a product of good old Lifetime. And uh, could it be that director Lisa France apes stuff like Deadly Mile High Club and Girl in the Basement only to lack the nasty misgivings of those latter pics? Bingo bango give the soul a cookie. 

Starring Rylee Reagan, Bourke Floyd, Anna Morgan Neugent, and SinClair (see last paragraph), "Perfect Family" rounds out to your standard 90-minute running time (sans ads). The vehicle is rather uncharitable and unsuspecting so it's real easy to identify who the adversaries are as well as the central characters. Disposable to the nth degree, it's basically the "hand that botched the cradle."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Breadwinner 2026 * 1/2 Stars

DADDY DAY CAMP

A Mr. Mom remake made for the Generation Z denizens. Yeah I'm talking about 2026's The Breadwinner, a flick that feels like it was done on a weekend, with a script that has humor as dry as sandpaper. So, what's up with Mandy Moore's aloofness? And uh, why are the kids of Nate Wilcox (the main character) so darn difficult? Oh and do people actually salivate for Tennessee Titans tickets? It appears so. Yikes.

Anyway "Breadwinner" is directed by Eric Appel, a helmer who might have aped Bad Moms, The Money Pit, and/or Mr. Mom (mentioned earlier) but failed to capture the heart and um, witty panache of those latter films. "This has the potential to change all of our lives." I hope you weren't talking about this movie boss. I really hope you weren't.

80s comedies and motivational orations aside, The Breadwinner evaporates as you see it, with forced, comedic scenes that flop and die and personas that don't talk and/or act like actual mortals. I mean what talk show hosts insult their guests on a dime? And what car salesmen would tell a twentysomething that he needs to buy a minivan? And uh seriously, what human being (male or female) doesn't know how to do the freaking laundry? "Dads stay home all the time." Yeah but why can't they get their darn crap together? Yeesh! Yeesh I said!

Starring Nate Bargatze, Moore (see first paragraph), and Will Forte (looking rather unrecognizable), "Breadwinner" is about a man who becomes a stay-at-home dad when his wifey gets to go on a business trip courtesy of Shark Tank (who'd a thunk it). Bargatze in the lead role, well he's the poor man's Michael Keaton, about as bland as cheese-less pizza without the ham. I mean I've never seen his work as a stand-up comedian but if it's as bad as what's on screen here, I'd rather play solitaire in a dark room. "Plain bread." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Whisper Man 2026 * * Stars

MAN DOWN

"Then how is he killing again?" That's a good question. And another quip made in another vehicle about serial killers. Welcome to this year's The Whisper Man, a crime pic where the regular po-po don't give a rat's butt and private dicks can just come out of retirement like it ain't no thang but a chicken wing. 

Anyway watching "Whisper" you realize it might just be a made-for-TV version of Silence of the Lambs that could be shown on cable anytime after 1 AM. Starring Robert De Niro, Adam Scott, and Michael Keaton, The Whisper Man literally borrows "Lambs" pseudo ending and then wants you to know that it did it too. Keaton (as Frank Carter) is Dr. Lector, De Niro (as Detective Pete Willis) is Jack Crawford, and Michelle Monaghan (as Amanda Beck) is well, Clarice Starling. "It places the lotion in the basket." Apparently so boss. Apparently so. 

Made on a $50 mil budget (really??) with an unseasoned director in James Ashcroft (isn't that the lead singer of The Verve?), "Whisper" is a slow burn thriller with a few tense moments and some laughable ones too (watching 83-year-old De Niro beat someone up like in The Irishman was indeed laughable). Getting back to The Silence of the Lambs comparisons, uh The Whisper Man is almost like a wiki version of "Lambs", a "Lambs" lite rendition, and/or possibly a steaming pile of "Lambs" leftovers that seem wholly reheated. "I never thought it was gonna start again." Oh absotively boss. Ab...so...tively. 

That's not to say "Whisper" is a total disaster because it's not. I mean helmer Ashcroft actually lends to a decent amount of pacing and continuity to the 114-minute proceedings. The problem is that there's a lack of suspense, a lack of apprehension, and weird performances to boot (Robert De Niro sleepwalks, Adam Scott overacts, and Michael Keaton seems to have a goofy stutter). I mean instead of watching something novel and/or fresh, The Whisper Man gashes its way into cinematic deja vu. It's 2026's Suspect Zero. "Hoarse whisper."

Written by Jesse Burleson

By Any Means 2026 * * Stars

WHACK JOB

"Time for you to leave my shop." Uh, don't say stuff like that to Marky Mark's Gregory Scarpa. He'll bust you up bro. Believe that.

So OK, an FBI agent and a hit man join forces to solve some civil rights killings in counterculture era Mississippi. That's the gist of By Any Means, a crime thriller that tries to be so tough yet it has a little too much bark and not quite enough bite. "We'll be working together." Um, true dat boss. True dat.

Anyway "Means" is like 48 Hrs. meets 2018's Green Book, a sort of buddy/buddy cop movie where there's an excursion, a slight rode trip, some racial implications, and plenty of intense tiffing along the way. By Any Means, yeah it stars Mark Wahlberg (mentioned earlier), Yahya Abdul-Mateen, and Nicole Beharie. Wahlberg, well he's always been a solid actor but here seems to be playing a dude that's mobbed up to the nth degree. I mean it almost feels like he's parodying and/or sending-up the notion of nasty hoods as opposed to giving an actual performance. "I knock some heads around and I crack the case." Easy there Sergeant Sean Dignam. Easy there big guy.

Eddie Murphy vehicles and syndicates aside, By Any Means is tight, full of payoffs, and well-paced, a rather terse pic that's based on a true story (and said true story might be a little skewed). The downfall of "Means" however is what it represents, a rinse, repeat of interrogations, beatings, and combative fight sequences that seem to echo early Quentin Tarantino ("you hear that?" hint, hint). It also doesn't help that By Any Means has that aesthetic that makes it feel like it's made-for-TV fodder, not the type of swipe you'd see at a multiplex. "A means to a little end." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

"Untold" The Testimony of Vince Young 2026 * * * Stars

FOREVER YOUNG

"Vince was a freaking animal man." Yup, they're talking about Vincent Paul Young Jr., a BCS national football champion, Madden cover boy, and now special assistant for those Texas Longhorns ("hook 'em"). Hey Arch Manning, Jonah Williams, and "Sark" are the future while this dude Vince was the past.

Anyway "Untold" The Testimony of Vince Young is a yardstick Netflix documentary, at times whimsical and fancy-free and two-sided while other times dark and totally mano a mano. "Untold", well it rounds out to 78 minutes as director John Henion invites strife while chronicling Young's career as a QB via college and the pros. Vince, yeah he was a rather racked soul and defensive cat (pun intended), acting as the so-called protagonist in this docu while his defunct NFL coach Jeff Fisher (of the Tennessee Titans) acts as the so-called antagonist (and rather spiteful one at that). "Who wants it more." Yeah you tell 'em Young. Rock on mister 6'5" with two fingers in the air.

So OK, "Untold" The Testimony of Vince Young features Vince being interviewed as if to say we haven't seen him forever, he's a little rattled, and maybe he needs the dough from these proceedings (the guy filed for bankruptcy after making $34 mil during his career plus endorsements). A recent archive here, a sighting of Matthew McConaughey (fellow Longhorns monger), some obscure sportswriter putting their two cents in, Mack Brown praising Vince Young while Fish lights him up like an LED party favor. Yes "Untold" can't help but leave the viewer with a bad taste in their mouths over the second chapter of Young's double-hearted vocation. I suppose that makes it more effective than most accounts about star athletes who can fling the rock, change an audible, and/or mow down a defensive front. "Testify that." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Tony 2026 * * * Stars

TONE LOCO

"You know I can cook too." Yeah you can big dog. You're Anthony freaking Bourdain, bad boy host with the most. And until this movie about your life circa 1975, I've only known you as the dude from TV's Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and some other Travel Channel swipe. Yup, "Reservations" is that show where you visit various places around the world as you explore local culture and cuisine while hobnobbing with well-known foodies and denizens. Natch. 

Anyway 2026's Tony does involve food and the Tony in question is of course Bourdain, a down-to-earth guy who committed suicide by way of hanging just 8 years ago. In Tony you have a soil-like sense of time and place (mid 70s), a raw and unflinching performance by Dominic Sessa (he plays the title character mind you), and a mini snapshot of someone's being, a stumbling into chef's lore when all you wanted to be was a fellowship writer. "Are you a good guy or a bad guy." Oh absotively boss. Absotively. 

So yeah, as a flick about Bourdain's fantastic summer where he chain-smoked and drank, learned about the world of restaurants, clam shucked, and educated himself on how to become a full-fledged, culinary artist, Tony is akin to stuff like The Tender Bar and Hot Summer Nights and 2018's Summer Days, Summer Nights, vehicles where coming-of-age, female crushes, and Aestival lovin get their veritable rage on. 

Keep in mind however that Tony is biographical, not some farcical farce about horndog teens, jamming to Mungo Jerry, and/or chronicling turbulent, fictional personas. No this pic is stronger than most memoir mantras because it steers clear of many wiki tropes and tired motifs (are you listening Peter Landesman?). Tony co-stars Antonio Banderas, Emilia Jones, and Leo Woodall and they all lend adequate support. "Tony twist."

Written by Jesse Burleson

The End of Oak Street 2026 * * * Stars

UPPER END

It was 1993 and I was just out of high school, going to a packed house to see Jurassic Park. The dinosaurs were pretty nasty in "Park" and well, they're even nastier in The End of Oak Street (my latest review). "Oak Street", yeah it takes place in Michigan until Michigan starts to look like some prehistoric landscape from millions of years ago. "We can't leave." Uh, you got that right chief. You sure got that right.

Reflecting on theropod vehicles of the past and near present, The End of Oak Street is definitely a retread, having denizens run for their lives in order to not get swallowed up by T. rex and its merry meat-eaters. The runtime is a tight 100 minutes, the soundtrack by Michael Giacchino has a certain Afterschool Special residue to it, the setting is 1982, and the old school zoom shots by helmer David Robert Mitchell will have you saying "tubular" before you even know it. "I think our neighborhood and whole street has moved." Yikes. 

So OK, "Oak Street" has solid casting in the forms of Anne Hathaway and Ewan McGregor and the critics (including this one) have been pretty positive in their nostalgic assessments. Despite a rather pat ending and some cliched tyke characters, The End of Oak Street is still a thrill ride that never lets up, a kind of Spielbergian, Super 8 hybrid that's so suburbia acute you might actually question its PG-13 rating (I initially thought it was a borderline R). I mean if you ignore the fact that "Oak Street" came out in the dog days of summer and it just had to compete with Hathaway's other pic, the massive blockbuster The Odyssey, you'll find a succinct surprise here, a sci-fi wormhole-r that Robert Zemeckis would have made in between Back to the Future and that movie about a rascally rabbit (you know which one I'm talking about). Fleet "street". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Last House 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

LAST WORDS

Louis Leterrier (The Takedown, Grimsby, Now You See Me) directs 2026's The Last House. And oh yeah, he did the last Fast & Furious flick (Fast X). With "House", Leterrier takes a fetching premise (being ensnared) and runs with it, blurring the lines between fast-cutting dramedy, sitcom folly, and polarizing, sci-fi horror. His look is purple and prismatic. His zoom shots are zooming. "But we are safe." You think so chief? You really think so?

The Last House, yeah it's a cinematic marathon not a sprint, a 110-minute vehicle with kvetching characters and a thin diegesis that seems stretched out to 3 hours. Torrential rain and sealed up doors and food rationing and aliens oh my! "Go wait in the car." As if we could my optimistic moviegoer. As if we could.

Starring the likes of Greta Lee, Emma Ho, and Wagner Moura and taking place in Seattle, Washington (but shot in England, huh?), "House" chronicles a family of four, confined to their home with no way out. Unlock the doors? Fat chance. Break through the windows? Yeah right. Go through the chimney? Said family could but decide not to. Drive the car through the garage door? Uh, only if you want to get a concussion. Go through the underground sewers? Um, yikers. 

With The Last House, you have to imagine 2007's The Mist without the events taking place in a grocery store or 2021's Girl in the Basement without you know, a basement or last year's Brick but not involving some government-conspired wall. Did you get all that? Good. So OK, watch "House" to see how it concludes but know that certain parts of it are zapped of dramatic momentum. The pic, well it feels like something Alex Garland would make if he was in between cosmic projects on the low. Stone "house". 

Written by Jesse Burleson