Scary Movie 2026 * 1/2 Stars

LIKE SHOWGIRLS, ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING

As I entered the theater to watch 2026's Scary Movie (or in some circles, Scary Movie 6), I had a feeling it would be about as dated as Motorola Razr phones, MySpace, chunky tech, and/or Borders bookstores. Guess what, I was right. The Wayans brothers, well they are stuck in 2004, thinking that full frontal nudity, black and white jokes, pegging toys, and nonsensical slapstick matter. They don't, they really don't. But hey, these Scary Movie flicks are freaking cheap to make (at 30 mil) and their audience doesn't really care what we critics think. I just checked the box office receipts so why stop now boys. Yikes!

Now I liked the first Scary Movie from 2000. I really did. I mean it sort of broke the mold for gross-out comedies, throwing every cinematic kitsch at the dartboard hoping it would stick. Then the sequels came (2, 3, and 4) and they truly blew chunks. And after Scary Movie 5 waddled onto screens in 2013, you get the idea why studios would wait 13 years or so to put out another one. What, as if we have forgotten about the suckage? We have not. Basically '26's Scary Movie is a cash grab, edited by alleged coma patients, story boarded by drugged hyenas, and misguided as the concepts of wealth-building and fitness. "You suck, move your butt." You said it Shawn, not me. 

So yeah, here's the unenthusiastic cameos for "6": Carmen Electra, Shaquille O'Neal, Teyana Taylor, and Anthony Anderson. And here's the vehicles being spoofed: Get Out (too long ago), Smile (too brief), Weapons (too recent), and Scream 5, 6, and 7 (not memorable enough). And uh, here's the plot line: oh wait, no such luck, just a series of random scenes pasted together by some frat dudes on a rough weekend. "Disaster" movie. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Crash 2026 * * Stars

CLATTERED 

An icky documentary that feels like a seasoned Dateline episode with a little more panache. Yeah I'm talking about 2026's The Crash, not to be confused with that 2004 Oscar winner or David Cronenberg's moot Crash from the mid-90s. The Crash, well it's a product of a certain streaming service and it exploits those annoying social media platforms like TikTok and Insta and Twitch and gosh knows what else. So OK, did 17-year-old Mackenzie Shirilla really kill her boyfriend by way of a staged car accident? And was this girl really traveling 100 mph into a darn brick wall? And uh, what's up with the potty mouthed pandering Mackenzie? "That split second changed all of our lives forever." True dat. 

Anyway The Crash is numbingly shot by TV director Gareth Johnson, he of Shark Week and See No Evil fame. There's slight archives that look nearly like bodycam footage reenactments (even though you know they weren't), interviews from parents and the po-po that might have been coached up (and they probably were), and a certain Mayberry flavor that seems straight from the annals of Maury ("that is a lie" hint hint). "It didn't add up." Oh but it does boss. It truly does. 

Trashy talk show hosts and Podunk Americana-s aside, The Crash has its moments in terms of pacing, brisk editing, and mien when it comes to its overall slickness. I mean it appears that good old Netflix definitely put their fingerprints on this thing no matter who's behind the camera. The problem however is the vehicle's subject, a teenage Shirilla who is allowed to chew on some soggy, 15 minutes of fame mind you. She is as unlikable as any convicted, enigma-like killer in any reality, legal cinematic endeavor. And it also doesn't help that Mackenzie's parents have a weird, unconditional love for their dope-smoking, felonious felon. "Crash test dummy."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Mandalorian and Grogu 2026 * * * Stars

BOUNTY MAN

It was 1977 and I was a 3-year-old tyke, watching the original Star Wars at a drive-in theater with my dad until I fell asleep (during the opening freaking credits mind you). That was probably my earliest childhood memory and now 5 decades years later I'm reviewing another pic from this franchise, about a galaxy bounty hunter and his little humanoid resembling good old Yoda. The Galactic Empire has fallen, Rotta the Hunt needs to be rescued, and imperial warlords must you know, bite that imperial dust. "Before going into harm's way check your armor." Indeed.

Reflecting on Star Wars vehicles of the past and near present, 2026's The Mandalorian and Grogu is definitely an add-on, trotting out that Lucasfilm logo, featuring nasty sapient creatures, wringing in those dark hues, and getting its rev on with the occasional X-34 Landspeeder. The runtime is 132 minutes, the soundtrack is killer Kavinsky-like, and the director is Jon Favreau, he of Marvel and space Western fame. 

So OK, there are critics out there who say The Mandalorian and Grogu is generic, that there's nothing at stake cinematically. I say easy guys, just chill. I mean "Mandalorian" is a pure action flick, blaster firefights and off-road speeder pursuits and Ardennians oh my! It's like the space opera gods after seven years decided to whisper to their fanboys, "hey, come hither." 

Peter Travers wannabees and six-limb creatures aside, helmer Favreau (mentioned earlier) fashions The Mandalorian and Grogu as a rock 'em, sock 'em, Buck Rogers-ish actioner, with a look that suggests a little Blade Runner and something out of an old, Vietnam war movie from the 70s (hint hint). I recommended Solo: A Star Wars Story some years back so yeah, I don't have a problem recommending this. "Do or do not, there is no try." Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Apex 2026 * * * Stars

BLUEBIRD DAY

It's not everyday that we get a one-word titled flick with a cast of two but here we are with 2026's Apex. And um, don't even try to compare it with 2021's Apex Predators or that Bruce Willis B movie from the same year. It's much more formidable and momentous than that. Crossbows and Australian landscapes and vertical drops and cannibalism oh my! "You going out alone? I wouldn't recommend it." Yikes!

Anyhow Apex is a panoramic thriller, swallowing and gravely risky when you realize that the main personas are in the middle of some nowhere National Park, playing a severe game of barbaric cat and mouse where the cat might actually nosh on the mouse. Double yikes! 

Apex, well it's about a woman adrenaline junkie who decides to go kayaking following the death of her boyfriend on some mountain in frigid Norway. While in the grieving process, she heads across that good old International Date Line, encountering a murderous, outback local who intends to hunt her down while trifling her at the same time. Charlize Theron plays said woman (Sasha) and Taron Egerton plays said local (the false toothed Ben). Great physical acting by the always game Theron. Great emoting by the normally reticent Egerton. "I thought you liked danger." Yeah but to a point there boss. To a point. 

So OK, you're probably wondering whether or not I plan on recommending the genre-retreaded Apex, what with its non-plausible protagonist's will to live or its overreaching black hat. Well I do, and um, I will. I mean if you're into flicks like I don't know, Rust Creek or 2020's Alone or Wolf Creek then Apex will give you that habitual, cinematic fix, complete with lush Aussie cinematography, a couple of grisly images, a harrowing, grim musical score by Hogni Egilsson, and some three-dimensional horror direction from veteran Icelander Baltasar Kormakur. "Seeing summit." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Balls Up 2026 * * Stars

FOUL BALLS

2026's Balls Up is like a lukewarm version of a Harold & Kumar caper, complete with moments of surrealism, stimulant use, and good old social folly. I mean it follows the misadventures of two sad sacks, bumbling through Brazil while not taking themselves (or their audience) very seriously. Brad Lewison (played by Mark Wahlberg) and Elijah DeBell (played by Paul Walter Hauser) are said sad sacks and you wouldn't want to spend time alone with them let alone go anywhere with them. Their characters come off like a couple of clods who are well, each other's only friend. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Balls Up is touted as an action slash comedy pic yet the action is meh and the comedy is well, blah. A diegesis that lives in a fantasyland, tons of locales and conventional notions, Paul Hauser's Elijah covering his guarding flask with a rubber (ugh), advanced condoms and the World Cup (uh, awkward). Yeah "Balls" gets points for novelty but minuses for not having the viewer actually care what happens to any persona involved. "What just happened?" Yup, my point exactly.

All in all, Balls Up is helmed by funnyman director Peter Farrelly and distributed by Prime Video. Its title refers to a full coverage prophylactic that sheaths both organs in the nether region (yikes). Look for the driest of humor, some nifty locusts, some stoner flick allusions, and side character trouper Sasha Baron Cohen acting like well, Sasha Baron Cohen. 

So OK, in past reviews via the career of Mark Wahlberg, I've always mentioned that now he's gotten to the point where he only does films for his family or for his sheer amusement, not for the notion of total and complete virtue. "Balls" falls sadly into that cinematic category. Bottoms "up."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Michael 2026 * * * Stars

"YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PART OF ME"

I've always considered Michael Jackson's Off the Wall to be even better than his Thriller album. I'm serious. I mean Off the Wall's got some righteous jams with "Rock with You", "Girlfriend", and "Burn This Disco Out." With 2026's Michael, Jackson's Thriller instead gets a much bigger spotlight. And when Jackson's real-life nephew Jaafar Jackson channels Thriller's massive hits ("Beat It", "Billie Jean"), he gets the moves and the grooves of his legendary uncle just right. "I knew you were different the moment you were born." Uh, duh. 

Anyway is Michael the best musical biopic of this year or any other year? Not quite, maybe this year so far. I mean the 128-minute running time flies by, giving the audience an almost extended rock concert that tends to wander from intended drama to fan-made fandom. And is Michael dark and brooding like most historical pics about fabled pop singers? Sometimes, in fits and starts. Otherwise you're watching Jackson sing and sing and dance and sing, giving new meaning to the term "don't stop 'til you get enough" (hint hint). 

Helmed by normal action guru Antoine Fuqua and distributed by good old Lionsgate, Michael chronicles Jackson's life from his early childhood in The Jackson 5 to the late 80s where the dude dominated his Bad tour. The performances are solid (especially Colman Domingo as meddling father Joe Jackson), the sense of time and place is adequate, and Jaafar Jackson (mentioned earlier) scarily mimics his late family member to a tee and yeah, that's a good thing. 

Yup, if you grew up listening to Jackson and followed his plights (I did and actually saw him at the Victory Tour circa 1984), then Michael may kind of feel like a bloated wiki entry only boosted by Fuqua's glitzy, well-paced, and vigorous direction. If you're young and part of a new generation of listening to Michael Jackson's ditties, well you'll instead be entertained as all get-out while even finding out something new about the so-called "King of Pop." "You are not alone." Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Thrash 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

"SMILE YOU SONS OF A...!"

"Here they come!" Yup, we're talking about evil marine life in a vehicle that stars unknowns Phoebe Dynevor, Whitney Peak, Amy Matthews, and Oscar nominee Djimon Hounsou (uh, paycheck alert). 

So OK, a small South Carolina town and its townspeople have to survive a tropical cyclone, the vigor of glut water, and the swarming sharks that come with it. That's the gist of Thrash (see first paragraph), a flick that tries to one-up or I guess update 2018's The Hurricane Heist without damaging "Heist's" weak repute, chintzy demur, and flash in the pan pandering. "I can't imagine the dangers they're facing." Uh ditto bro. Ditto on the real. 

Anyway I'm a sucker for movies where the beer and pizza element is involved, the cinematic cheese is profuse, and cult status is attained without waiver. And while Thrash isn't quite in those proverbial leagues, it's certainly not the worst pic about selachians on the prowl ever made. I mean if you throw in a little Spielbergian magic from time to time, some nasty great white vetoes, and a few scenes with the prophetic Hounsou things can't be that bad right? Right?

Blood Diamond co-stars, needle-like teeth, and veritable schmaltz aside, do I plan on recommending Thrash and its overly cocky title? Almost. I mean the special effects are passable, the camp constituent is harmless and manifest, and the moments of pitfall might get your heart rate up if you've never seen a Jaws fleece before. The problems I have are the second-rate acting, the somewhat cursory characters, the overthinking by director Tommy Wirkola in terms of cuts, and Wirkola's obsession with overhead shots to the point where he exploits a woman giving birth on a floating bed with plasma totally gushing out (and in the middle of a storm). Yikes! "Tossed about." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson 2026 * * * Stars

TRUTH HURTS

A "cry for help" documentary that's well-known enough to be put out on a streaming service as well as a network (Netflix and CBS). Yeah I'm talking about 2026's The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson, one of those 95-minute flicks that's more like a encomium to a murdered victim than a spell out mystery. I mean it's pretty brutal to endure what the Wilson fam has gone through right? And how unbelievably stoic is Moriah's convicted killer in Kaitlin Armstrong? And um, talk about some love triangle, green-eyed monster shtick in good old Kate. "My friend is laying on the bathroom floor." Yikes.

So OK, "Truth and Tragedy" is slickly shot by veteran Marina Zenovich, she of 30 for 30 and What Happens in Hollywood fame. There's the usual archives of yore (mid 90s and such), present-day interviews from Wilson family members that cut deep, and an initial suspect in Colin Strickland. You know, the dude who dated Moriah Wilson and unknowingly purchased the gun that offed her. 

Uh, you want a 48 Hours episode that's more somber and without Mr. Peter Van Sant at the helm? Well you'll get that with "Truth and Tragedy". And do you want a docu where you feel the nerve endings of Karen and Eric Wilson and just about everyone else involved in Moriah's abbreviated life? Prego...it's truly in there. Natch. 

Distributed by Netflix (duh) and filmed sequentially with sledgehammering sentiment, The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson is about of course, Moriah Wilson, a promising pro cyclist who gets murdered in May of 2022 by a covetous ex-girlfriend of Moriah's ex-boyfriend. The remaining Wilsons, well they want the world to feel their pain and why not. I mean why a foolish craven would end the entity of a young 25-year-old is truly beyond me. "Tragedy spring."

Written by Jesse Burleson

Crime 101 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

IMPERFECT CRIME

"I need to be in your line of work." Are you sure about that boss, a dangerous life of misdeed with the po-po hot on your heels. Yowsa! Oh and said po-po listens to Bryan Adams while getting his nicotine on then proceeding to do yoga. Double yowsa.  

Anyway 2026's Crime 101 does involve transgression and the 101, well I guess it's the highway in which an escape route is used when the stealing goes down. Slickness, glossy cinematography by Erik Wilson, a musical score that evokes some Michael Mann flick from years back (hint hint). It's like Crime 101's director (Bart Layton) saw Heat from '95 and decided to nearly equal its running time (140 minutes compared to 170 minutes). "Start by handing me your phone." Uh, I don't think Al Pacino was packing the cell back in post-Cold War decade LA. 

So yeah, as a vehicle about a master thief who befriends a saddened insurance broker hoping she'll help him pull off some million dollar heist, Crime 101 stars Chris Hemsworth, Halle Berry, and good old Mark Ruffalo. As for the rest of the big cast, uh Jennifer Jason Leigh makes a cameo, Nick Nolte shows up for a few scenes, and recent Oscar nominee Monica Barbaro, well she plays Hemsworth's character's cute squeeze, a pseudo, Eady type (more with the hint hint).  

Basically "Crime" is a sort of software-updated version of Heat (mentioned earlier). It's locale driven, with personas that fade in and out, some SoCal speck, and a couple of nifty car chases. Too bad it lacks Heat's haunting closed book, its lack of dangling plot threads, and its completely cold-blooded danger. Oh well. Film geeks will for sure get a kick out of Crime 101's earnest attempt to be the GOAT of all things neo-noir. Oh and guess what, Neil McCauley called and said he wants his sunnies, his nice suits, and his black, nitrile gloves back. "Regulatory offense." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Pretty Lethal 2026 * * * Stars

LETHAL WEAPONRY

A group of ballet dancers and their coach have their bus break down in the middle of nowhere. Where do they go after being stranded? Well they head to a traveling lodge, encountering a sadistic, former ballet prodigy who plans to make their life a living hell. That's the gist of 2026's Pretty Lethal, a horror thriller where you want the protagonists to triumph and the bad guys to veritably get theirs. Said evil ballet prodigy is played effectively by veteran actress Uma Thurman. "We need to get out of here." Uh, ya think?

So yeah, Pretty Lethal is extremely bloody and pulpy, a modus operandi that's so violent its violence nearly veers into camp. I mean when you watch "Lethal" you have to take your mind back to the early 2000s, where Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, and even the late Tobe Hooper kind of ruled the roost. The only things missing are Malcolm McDowell wearing a wig, some evil kid yelling "pancakes!", and various cannibals chilling in rural Texas. "Inside every ballerina's heart beats the blood of a warrior." Oh fo sho. Fo...sho! 

Exaggerated style and carnival-esque directors aside, Pretty Lethal has its villains with nearly nil motives, its sitting, target leads not the most likable females in the room, and its plot rather cut and dried, a sort of excuse to roll out the old grindhouse at the dead of night (pun intended). Oh well. With "Lethal" it's the action that truly counts here, sanguinary action with fight scenes that use artistic dancing as a form of nasty birds in flight. As the five pro hoofer personas try to escape the rather glorified hostel they're in (that would be Hungary's Teremok Inn), Pretty Lethal shows its audience the result of danseuses on pure adrenaline, getting their high-powered, Jet Li on. "Pretty" girl rock.  

Written by Jesse Burleson