Balls Up 2026 * * Stars

FOUL BALLS

2026's Balls Up is like a lukewarm version of a Harold & Kumar caper, complete with moments of surrealism, stimulant use, and good old social folly. I mean it follows the misadventures of two sad sacks, bumbling through Brazil while not taking themselves (or their audience) very seriously. Brad Lewison (played by Mark Wahlberg) and Elijah DeBell (played by Paul Walter Hauser) are said sad sacks and you wouldn't want to spend time alone with them let alone go anywhere with them. Their characters come off like a couple of clods who are well, each other's only friend. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Balls Up is touted as an action slash comedy pic yet the action is meh and the comedy is well, blah. A diegesis that lives in a fantasyland, tons of locales and conventional notions, Paul Hauser's Elijah covering his guarding flask with a rubber (ugh), advanced condoms and the World Cup (uh, awkward). Yeah "Balls" gets points for novelty but minuses for not having the viewer actually care what happens to any persona involved. "What just happened?" Yup, my point exactly.

All in all, Balls Up is helmed by funnyman director Peter Farrelly and distributed by Prime Video. Its title refers to a full coverage prophylactic that sheaths both organs in the nether region (yikes). Look for the driest of humor, some nifty locusts, some stoner flick allusions, and side character trouper Sasha Baron Cohen acting like well, Sasha Baron Cohen. 

So OK, in past reviews via the career of Mark Wahlberg, I've always mentioned that now he's gotten to the point where he only does films for his family or for his sheer amusement, not for the notion of total and complete virtue. "Balls" falls sadly into that cinematic category. Bottoms "up."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Michael 2026 * * * Stars

"YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PART OF ME"

I've always considered Michael Jackson's Off the Wall to be even better than his Thriller album. I'm serious. I mean Off the Wall's got some righteous jams with "Rock with You", "Girlfriend", and "Burn This Disco Out." With 2026's Michael, Jackson's Thriller instead gets a much bigger spotlight. And when Jackson's real-life nephew Jaafar Jackson channels Thriller's massive hits ("Beat It", "Billie Jean"), he gets the moves and the grooves of his legendary uncle just right. "I knew you were different the moment you were born." Uh, duh. 

Anyway is Michael the best musical biopic of this year or any other year? Not quite, maybe this year so far. I mean the 128-minute running time flies by, giving the audience an almost extended rock concert that tends to wander from intended drama to fan-made fandom. And is Michael dark and brooding like most historical pics about fabled pop singers? Sometimes, in fits and starts. Otherwise you're watching Jackson sing and sing and dance and sing, giving new meaning to the term "don't stop 'til you get enough" (hint hint). 

Helmed by normal action guru Antoine Fuqua and distributed by good old Lionsgate, Michael chronicles Jackson's life from his early childhood in The Jackson 5 to the late 80s where the dude dominated his Bad tour. The performances are solid (especially Colman Domingo as meddling father Joe Jackson), the sense of time and place is adequate, and Jaafar Jackson (mentioned earlier) scarily mimics his late family member to a tee and yeah, that's a good thing. 

Yup, if you grew up listening to Jackson and followed his plights (I did and actually saw him at the Victory Tour circa 1984), then Michael may kind of feel like a bloated wiki entry only boosted by Fuqua's glitzy, well-paced, and vigorous direction. If you're young and part of a new generation of listening to Michael Jackson's ditties, well you'll instead be entertained as all get-out while even finding out something new about the so-called "King of Pop." "You are not alone." Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Thrash 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

"SMILE YOU SONS OF A...!"

"Here they come!" Yup, we're talking about evil marine life in a vehicle that stars unknowns Phoebe Dynevor, Whitney Peak, Amy Matthews, and Oscar nominee Djimon Hounsou (uh, paycheck alert). 

So OK, a small South Carolina town and its townspeople have to survive a tropical cyclone, the vigor of glut water, and the swarming sharks that come with it. That's the gist of Thrash (see first paragraph), a flick that tries to one-up or I guess update 2018's The Hurricane Heist without damaging "Heist's" weak repute, chintzy demur, and flash in the pan pandering. "I can't imagine the dangers they're facing." Uh ditto bro. Ditto on the real. 

Anyway I'm a sucker for movies where the beer and pizza element is involved, the cinematic cheese is profuse, and cult status is attained without waiver. And while Thrash isn't quite in those proverbial leagues, it's certainly not the worst pic about selachians on the prowl ever made. I mean if you throw in a little Spielbergian magic from time to time, some nasty great white vetoes, and a few scenes with the prophetic Hounsou things can't be that bad right? Right?

Blood Diamond co-stars, needle-like teeth, and veritable schmaltz aside, do I plan on recommending Thrash and its overly cocky title? Almost. I mean the special effects are passable, the camp constituent is harmless and manifest, and the moments of pitfall might get your heart rate up if you've never seen a Jaws fleece before. The problems I have are the second-rate acting, the somewhat cursory characters, the overthinking by director Tommy Wirkola in terms of cuts, and Wirkola's obsession with overhead shots to the point where he exploits a woman giving birth on a floating bed with plasma totally gushing out (and in the middle of a storm). Yikes! "Tossed about." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson 2026 * * * Stars

TRUTH HURTS

A "cry for help" documentary that's well-known enough to be put out on a streaming service as well as a network (Netflix and CBS). Yeah I'm talking about 2026's The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson, one of those 95-minute flicks that's more like a encomium to a murdered victim than a spell out mystery. I mean it's pretty brutal to endure what the Wilson fam has gone through right? And how unbelievably stoic is Moriah's convicted killer in Kaitlin Armstrong? And um, talk about some love triangle, green-eyed monster shtick in good old Kate. "My friend is laying on the bathroom floor." Yikes.

So OK, "Truth and Tragedy" is slickly shot by veteran Marina Zenovich, she of 30 for 30 and What Happens in Hollywood fame. There's the usual archives of yore (mid 90s and such), present-day interviews from Wilson family members that cut deep, and an initial suspect in Colin Strickland. You know, the dude who dated Moriah Wilson and unknowingly purchased the gun that offed her. 

Uh, you want a 48 Hours episode that's more somber and without Mr. Peter Van Sant at the helm? Well you'll get that with "Truth and Tragedy". And do you want a docu where you feel the nerve endings of Karen and Eric Wilson and just about everyone else involved in Moriah's abbreviated life? Prego...it's truly in there. Natch. 

Distributed by Netflix (duh) and filmed sequentially with sledgehammering sentiment, The Truth and Tragedy of Moriah Wilson is about of course, Moriah Wilson, a promising pro cyclist who gets murdered in May of 2022 by a covetous ex-girlfriend of Moriah's ex-boyfriend. The remaining Wilsons, well they want the world to feel their pain and why not. I mean why a foolish craven would end the entity of a young 25-year-old is truly beyond me. "Tragedy spring."

Written by Jesse Burleson

Crime 101 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

IMPERFECT CRIME

"I need to be in your line of work." Are you sure about that boss, a dangerous life of misdeed with the po-po hot on your heels. Yowsa! Oh and said po-po listens to Bryan Adams while getting his nicotine on then proceeding to do yoga. Double yowsa.  

Anyway 2026's Crime 101 does involve transgression and the 101, well I guess it's the highway in which an escape route is used when the stealing goes down. Slickness, glossy cinematography by Erik Wilson, a musical score that evokes some Michael Mann flick from years back (hint hint). It's like Crime 101's director (Bart Layton) saw Heat from '95 and decided to nearly equal its running time (140 minutes compared to 170 minutes). "Start by handing me your phone." Uh, I don't think Al Pacino was packing the cell back in post-Cold War decade LA. 

So yeah, as a vehicle about a master thief who befriends a saddened insurance broker hoping she'll help him pull off some million dollar heist, Crime 101 stars Chris Hemsworth, Halle Berry, and good old Mark Ruffalo. As for the rest of the big cast, uh Jennifer Jason Leigh makes a cameo, Nick Nolte shows up for a few scenes, and recent Oscar nominee Monica Barbaro, well she plays Hemsworth's character's cute squeeze, a pseudo, Eady type (more with the hint hint).  

Basically "Crime" is a sort of software-updated version of Heat (mentioned earlier). It's locale driven, with personas that fade in and out, some SoCal speck, and a couple of nifty car chases. Too bad it lacks Heat's haunting closed book, its lack of dangling plot threads, and its completely cold-blooded danger. Oh well. Film geeks will for sure get a kick out of Crime 101's earnest attempt to be the GOAT of all things neo-noir. Oh and guess what, Neil McCauley called and said he wants his sunnies, his nice suits, and his black, nitrile gloves back. "Regulatory offense." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Pretty Lethal 2026 * * * Stars

LETHAL WEAPONRY

A group of ballet dancers and their coach have their bus break down in the middle of nowhere. Where do they go after being stranded? Well they head to a traveling lodge, encountering a sadistic, former ballet prodigy who plans to make their life a living hell. That's the gist of 2026's Pretty Lethal, a horror thriller where you want the protagonists to triumph and the bad guys to veritably get theirs. Said evil ballet prodigy is played effectively by veteran actress Uma Thurman. "We need to get out of here." Uh, ya think?

So yeah, Pretty Lethal is extremely bloody and pulpy, a modus operandi that's so violent its violence nearly veers into camp. I mean when you watch "Lethal" you have to take your mind back to the early 2000s, where Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, and even the late Tobe Hooper kind of ruled the roost. The only things missing are Malcolm McDowell wearing a wig, some evil kid yelling "pancakes!", and various cannibals chilling in rural Texas. "Inside every ballerina's heart beats the blood of a warrior." Oh fo sho. Fo...sho! 

Exaggerated style and carnival-esque directors aside, Pretty Lethal has its villains with nearly nil motives, its sitting, target leads not the most likable females in the room, and its plot rather cut and dried, a sort of excuse to roll out the old grindhouse at the dead of night (pun intended). Oh well. With "Lethal" it's the action that truly counts here, sanguinary action with fight scenes that use artistic dancing as a form of nasty birds in flight. As the five pro hoofer personas try to escape the rather glorified hostel they're in (that would be Hungary's Teremok Inn), Pretty Lethal shows its audience the result of danseuses on pure adrenaline, getting their high-powered, Jet Li on. "Pretty" girl rock.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Rise of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our Brother, Hillel 2026 * * * 1/2 Stars

"PEOPLE, KEEP ON LEARNIN"

Members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers talk about the beginnings and origins of the band and their beloved guitar player who died tragically nearly 40 years ago, right before they made it really big. So basically we have a vehicle here that doesn't drown in total self-conceit. "We were a trio of best friends in high school." You don't say Flea. You don't say.

So OK, I think The Rise of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our Brother Hillel is one of the best documentaries I've seen in the last five years. I mean it doesn't bend to normal tropes, taking one portion of the Chili Peppers Behind the Music chunk and stretching it out to a never-dull 93 minutes. Rock on brothers! Yeah VH1 is fun to watch but the early 2000s were dated as all get-out. "Our Brother Hillel" is more modern-day in terms of its polish and cinematic professionalism. "It was red-hot." Uh, hint hint. 

Directed by Ben Feldman (a near rookie), projecting the usual archives and animation, distributed by Netflix (naturally), and showing raw concert footage that would give you some serious whiplash (yikes!), The Rise of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our Brother Hillel is an unflinching and fervent docu, not necessarily praising the Peppers boys but paying tribute to their fallen, influential axeman Hillel Slovak who perished from a heroin overdose circa 1988 (see first paragraph). 

Singer Anthony Kiedis, Hillel's bro (James Slovak), and bassist Flea (whose real name is Michael Balzary), well they wax on profusely about Slovak, spewing profanities, being vulnerable, and shedding non-crocodile tears. I mean "Our Brother Hillel" is massively without filter, and it's quite refreshing witnessing this on screen as opposed to a flick about rock heroes where everyone but them is being interviewed to um, anatomize. Give "rise" to.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Project Hail Mary 2026 * * Stars

4TH AND I'M THINKING MORE THAN 10

2026's Project Hail Mary is like a cinematic jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces that still need attention. I mean its narrative structure is so fragmented you'd think helmers Phil Lord and Christopher Miller were trying to get their veritable, Christopher Nolan on. "Hail Mary's" lead (Ryan Gosling as Ryland Grace), well he pulls you through somehow, being charismatic and unconventional as only the Ry dog can. So OK, that begs the question, do we really need another astronaut flick starring London, Ontario's favorite son? I guess. Uh, maybe.

Anyway let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Project Hail Mary is a bit of a chore to sit through and it probably needed to trim about 15-20 minutes from ye olde runtime. Gosling talking to an alien rock that looks and walks like a tarantula for a good hour. Random flashbacks that turn into random flash-forwards. Techspeak concerning astrophage and global cooling, stuff only hardcore AI eccentrics could understand. Yeah "Hail Mary" has a few moments of awe and wonderment but it's also a painful reminder of why high schoolers skip class occasionally because teach decides to roll out a scientific filmstrip on a Tuesday. Yikes!

All in all, Project Hail Mary is about junior high professor Ryland Grace (Gosling) being tapped by the government to save Earth and the sun from a deadly medium threatening mankind as we know it. He must get on a spacecraft with other chance crew members and travel light years away. 

The direction by Lord and Miller is claustrophobic and effective and the editing, well it's feverish at times, possibly to entertain in fits and starts. The problem with "Hail Mary" is that it sort of keeps the viewer at a distance, wandering and dawdling when it could instead take to the air (pun intended). I mean Project Hail Mary is literally like Interstellar without the sadness and danger. Oh and don't get me started on its comparisons to something more emotive like E.T. Project "x out." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

War Machine 2026 * * * Stars

WAR MONGER

"Keep your eyes open." Uh yeah, especially when you've got to deal with some extraterrestrial killing apparatus with nasty rays coming out of it. Yikes! Oh and said apparatus is totally untraversable and a real pain in the dairy air. Double yikes!

Anyway 2026's War Machine does involve war and the machine in question, well it's designed to get the viewer to get their veritable War of the Worlds on. Unrelenting bustle, bloody barbarity, special ops, brute military swag, D. Quaid in his golden years. It's like "Machine's" director (Patrick Hughes) saw every action horror flick from the late 80s and decided to throw the term "dated" out the window. "Whatever that thing is, it's hunting us." Have nose will hunt my brother. Have nose will for sure hunt.

So yeah, as a flick about some soldiers hellbent on becoming US Army Rangers only to discover that their final stage involves dealing with an alien life force that looks like something straight out of an H. G. Wells novel, War Machine is akin to stuff like Predator and Tigerland and Independence Day and all things Julien Leclercq oh my! So basically it's a boot camp movie, or a mishmash-of-genres movie, or a streaming slickster, or a total cinematic mutt. Hey, the boys at Relativity Media called and well, they want their freaking concessions back. Natch!

Starring Alan Ritchson, Dennis Quaid (mentioned earlier), and Stephan James and distributed by good old Netflix (shocker), War Machine is entertaining to a fault. I mean it sneaks up on you, announcing itself as one type of vehicle only to turn the tables and get all celestial on the low. I dug the fast cut, lightning-quick editing, the never-tedious pacing, and the complete whisking from one action set piece to the next. Yup, no "rage against this machine." 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Queen of Chess 2026 * * 1/2 Stars

"CHECK" THE TECHNIQUE

Queen of Chess is a true events documentary that takes place in the post-Cold War decade 90s. And yeah, it's made even more truer by the fact that the actual subject is the one being interviewed most of the time. I mean there are a few people that I didn't know from Adam putting their two cents in (via accounts) but it's main lead Chess player Judit Polgar getting the veritable spotlight. "In the beginning everybody underestimated me." Uh, too bad for those critical dolts. They're too busy playing checkers. Natch. 

Anyway at 93 minutes of running time, "Queen" is shot in chronological order only to produce a sort of neutered, Marty Supreme-style ending, complete with a final endgame and a totally vanquished dream. It's edited feverishly with microfilm reader remnants and careful emends, trying to mask the fact that we're watching an almost paint-drying effect that to people like me who have no clue as to what we're seeing, looks like a couple of small, wooden sculptures moving from one freaking box to the next.  A Chess prodigy (Polgar mentioned earlier) challenges the greatest player in her field (past champion Garry Kasparov), wins the match, and becomes the GOAT of all things female checkmate. "When I was five years old, I started my Chess training." You don't say Judit. You don't say. 

Timothee Chalamet vehicles, slow burn castling-s, and girly Bobby Fischer grandmasters aside, Queen of Chess is well done yet fairly predictable, with the usual archives, a few nifty draw reenactments, a couple of unknown Chess mongers being grilled, and some of the most sluggish cue card narration I've heard in many a moon. I mean I wouldn't say it's a lousy docu but it's far from indelible. Yup, you could leave the room you're watching it from and come back literally non-staggered. "Queen B-minus."

Written by Jesse Burleson